Numb again

[Pollyotter]

I want to. I however haven't found someone who I could talk to openly and feel save in a face to face setting . I have been called things and chased away from alot of places.

I am sorry if it's oversharing

[Zoe7]

You may be asked to edit your last post @Pollyotter because of the specific details in it. One of our guidelines is to not share explicit details so don't be put off if that happens.

In saying that - you are not oversharing - and I am happy to listen. Being through a lot myself I get how hard it is to find someone you can talk to and even more so open up face to face. I never once said the actual words with my psych - she asked questions and I answered yes or no (or more often than not nodded or shook my head). ...and I trusted her so I know how hard it is. Finding someone you can build that relationship with and begin to open up is hard - and may take a few goes to find. Not everyone we meet we click with or feel good about talking to - I got lucky but I have a wonderful GP who did most of the leg work in finding potential psychs first. This one was not actually one of them but was in the same practice - the one I wanted to see wasn't available for weeks but this one owns the practice and fitted me in quickly because of what my GP had to say. 

[Pollyotter]

I am glad you got the right fit.

I did ask for a referral from my GP but was told it's not an urgent case so won't be contacted for a long time

If may ask did your body go through physical problems in the time where your mind wondered? After the years of suppression it's hitting me hard

[Zoe7]

Yes I did @Pollyotter I'll give you a little background first...

Nearly 4 years ago I contracted influenza A and B at the same time. I was extremely sick, ended up in hospital and then basically bed ridden for the next 3 weeks. I subsequently had to endure post viral fatigue and with that set in depression, anxiety and CPTSD again. There had been periods in my life I had suffered all those before but this time it was exceptionally bad. I tried to end it several times because I just could not bear the pain. I had constant flsahbacks and with that came the physical feelings - like everyday I was reliving the past. I have a history of child abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault. My ex tried to end my life but I survived ...and that is now what I see myself as - a survivor. Everynight I would not want to sleep because I both did not want to wake up but was scared I would not - so nights were (are) incredibly tough - as I can see they are for you too. So yes I do still have those physical issues a lot but nowhere near what I used to. I have a more balanced life and better sleep patterns now (thank goodness) and that has really helped.

[Pollyotter]

Wow.
I'm sorry about your past. It's amazing that you have gotten this far.

Ok it made me feel better knowing that what is currently going on isn't so outland .

I can't see myself as a survivor

I feel dirty
I feel weak
I feel numb
I feel pain
I feel... Well I don't really know what else.

I have flashbacks that leave me feeling powerless

I have panick attacks that leaves me feeling flooded

When O sleep I get night terrors that have my body feeling sore when I get up the next morning.


I hope you are away from your ex .
You sound like and amazing strong person

[Zoe7]

Been away from my ex for a long time @Pollyotter but feared him coming back for years. I don't fear that now which is massive progress.

Yeah I get all those feelings - it becomes all consuming. I used to completely shutdown also - dissociate and not be able to move ...but at the same time as feeling numb feel everything as well .It is a really strange feeling because you would think they contradict each other but unless you have been through that it is hard to explain what it is like.

I do not thing you are weak at all - you are strong. It takes strength to get through what you did and to keep going - and that is what you are doing. Right now it is all consuming again but as we like to say here "this too shall pass". It is not and will not be easy but feeling as you do now in reliving everything is the worst it can get. We have seen (and felt) the worst of human nature - but there is also good to be found. Finding us here may be some of that good - you have certainly shown courage to talk with me tonight - so you should be proud of that because it is certainly not easy to talk to anyone, let alone a stranger, about any of this.

[Pollyotter]

Thank you. And thank you for spending the time with me tonight.

I have told friends who faded away . I have told family who said " who would want to rape you"

Speaking to you has been therapeutic in away if that makes sense?
I think feeling numb and feeling everything at the same time messes up your thinking and whole world .
I read the kind things you are saying to me and I register them in my head but I can't register it to be at myself .

I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to a point where I can be myself again and maybe feel something for another lady again

[Zoe7]

I need to try to sleep @Pollyotter I really hope you have crashed and are doing the same. I'll check in with you tomorrow. Goodnight Hon and thank you for allowing me to be here with you ...you matter, you are strong and you are a survivor 

[Pollyotter]

Thank you for your time.
Have a good night

[Zoe7]

Hi @Pollyotter Checking in on you - hoping you got some sleep last night and today has been a better day.