Lived Experience Forum

[Pollyotter]

Honestly not too great . I am busy driving myself nuts. How are you

[Zoe7]

I'm not very well either but I think it is more exhaustion @Pollyotter 

Did you manage some sleep last night?

[Pollyotter]

Are you keeping busy in this lock down ?. No I am on 48 hours I am waiting for the crash

[Zoe7]

I only finished work yesterday @Pollyotter and now have 2 weeks off. I am a teacher and so there has been no isolation for me so far. Staying home doesn't bother me much as I like to do that anyway. I have plenty of things at home to keep me busy and more time with my fur babies - so that I love.

48 hours is a long time - I remember those days well - it feels like you will never sleep but sooo tired at the same time. I hope you crash soon too.

[Pollyotter]

Aww what Fur babies do you have. I miss my two every day. I had a pug and a labrador . Gosh I take my hat off to you as a teacher. Hard work.

Please don't mind my spelling and grammar. Eeks ...
You have been at this point aswell?

[Zoe7]

Yes @Pollyotter I barely slept for 2 years. I would sleep a litte throughout the day but did not want to sleep at night - it filled me with anxiety and flashbacks. I basically lost all of 2017 - can't remember much about it other than I was in a constant state of hypervigilance, exhausted all the time but it was too hard to sleep. I totally get where you are coming from - having suffered MDD, anxiety and CPTSD.

I have a cat who we call Cat here and a dog called Toby. They are the lights of my life 

[Pollyotter]

MDD?
CPTSD?

Gosh fur kids do make you feel better when you least expect it.
That is crazy that you lost the whole of 2017.

I get the whole feeling about the hyper vigilant state.

I am re living the rape so vividly the past few days . I do understand why people turn to pills or alcohol or even worse .

[Zoe7]

MDD - major depressive disorder

CPTSD - complex post traumatic stress disorder

@Pollyotter I have had those vivid and persistent thoughts too Hon and still get them ocassionally. They take over both physically and mentally and you do feel like you are going through it all again and again. It took me a long time to get the right meds and help to get through that - and that time was pure torture. I am in a much better place now so I can say it is possible to get through even though you don't feel like it now. You have had the courage and strength to get through what happened and also to connect here - so give yourself so much credit for that because neither of those things are easy.

I am glad you have found us here and happy to walk through all this with you. I had some amazing people do that for me when I joined here and now I consider them not only names on a screen but friends ...amazing friends who have done so much to get me through the tough times as well as walk the whole journey with me... and if I can do that for you then I am happy to do so 

[Pollyotter]

Gosh I am sorry for everything you have gone through.

I would love to think of myself as better but the story keeps on playing over and over.

I was in a 4 year relationship with a woman who told me everyone knew she is a lesbian.
We where at a club and as we left our seperate ways I was hit over the head and dragged in between the cars .4 guys took turns raping me and beating me up.
My jaw was broken I had a screwdriver stabed into my shoulder and a pipe shoved ... Well you know where .

The guy who led the attack was my partners brother. He kept on saying that I turned his sister gay .

The last thing I remember before blacking out was him laughing while saying he took the verginity of a lesbian .

[Zoe7]

That is indeed horrible @Pollyotter You have done so well to come back from all that. It takes immense courage to go through what you did and survive. Nothing will change what you went through but you are still here and can get through it now. Do you see a psychologist or counsellor Hon?