I can’t cope

[Captain24]

After such a bad night last night, I decided to call in sick. The thoughts won’t stop. I still feel like I want to do it. 

Im also so sore from that roo yesterday. 

Im really miserable. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , I am popping in to see how you are today.

[Captain24]

I’m not really ok @tyme. I’ve been sitting and doing a lot of Lego. Trying to distract myself. 

Im really sore too. I just went and got a medical certificate for today off work. I told them I had a car accident which it kinda was I guess. F’ing roo’s

[tyme]

Oh noooo @Captain24 ! Are you okay? I'm guessing you are replaying the moment in your mind? It sounds so heavy to sit with - and just when things were improving for you. 

@Captain24 , I believe in you. This incident may sway you a little, but I know you are a fighter.

Are you going out today at all? Or just recuperating? Is it whiplash?

I'm going out for coffee Sunday arvo - with an ex work colleague.

[Captain24]

Physically I’m ok. @tyme. Just a sore neck, sore shoulder and a massive headache. I have been replaying it and the what ifs. What if I didn’t overtake that car at the overtaking lane? What if I let the car behind me go? What if I had just waited a bit? I’ve hit a few roo’s but this one was big and went underneath the car and now there is bits of my car hanging. 

It just overflowed my bucket of shit. I knew it was full but didn’t realise something so simple could overflow it. I’m disappointed as I was doing better. I guess one thing is that I’ve been trying distraction. 

I just went to mums and she massaged my shoulder and I went and got some steak and veggies. So I have left the house but only because I had too. 

Im just letting myself be and try and mend as I’m going to work tomorrow. I do think it’s minor whiplash. 

Oohh another coffee date. Is this with an ex colleague that you saw the other day or a different one. I’m happy to see you getting out!!! 

[tyme]

So it was a bit like "the last straw"? @Captain24 

I am still hopeful though. Cling onto hope and perhaps this is the time to practice more reframing than ever before?

Whatever happened, happened. I used to see things like this as a little 'test' for me. Not sure if this thinking works for you. As so for me, I want to pass this 'test' to prove to myself something.

I'm glad you went to your mum's and had a massage. It sounds ouchy. 

Sending warm hugs your way!

Oh, and this coffee catchup is with someone else. The other day was with 4 other people. This catchup is with one ex colleague and I might invite another. They've been asking for a long time, but I never make the effort. I'm not fussed if they don't come, but I feel they both need company. They are alone and have their own MH stuggles. 

In the past, I've worked in large corporate organisations with hundreds of staff. Hence I have a big network, but I wouldn't call anyone 'my friend'. I'm totally fine without them. I sorta see them more because I want to support them.

[Captain24]

Yeah. Kinda like that. @tyme. I’ve been trying to reduce my time supporting some of my friends from hospital as I know I don’t have the capacity and had to look after myself. I was working on lessening the bucket of shit. 

I have hope but at the same time I don’t. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Im still trying hard. I talked myself into going to mums. I talked myself into buying some food. I’ve talked myself into staying out of bed. But I’m struggling to talk myself out of this slump.

I want to get through it quicker to prove that I have made progress. 

It’s really sore. I did want physical pain and I’ve got it.

Thanks for the hugs.

Thats nice of you to want to help. What made you decide now to do organise the coffee dates? Has something shifted for you? 

That word ‘friend’ is for certain people only. There’s got to be something there. That’s what I think anyway. 

I guess with that sized corporations you do form a network. Especially if you are working together or near each other. 

[tyme]

It's a time when people are free @Captain24 and I'm free. I'm not working on Sundays for a few weeks so I take advantage. Otherwise, either I'm busy or others are busy. That's the only reason. These catchups wont be sustained though. It's only this week that I was freer to go out. I probably won't go on anymore until next year.

Put it this way.. I don't put much effort into going out. It's just to tick it off to say I've done it. 

Sometimes, if you're not feeling up to getting yourself out of things, I feel you need others to get you out. Part of my recovery plan is that when I'm feeling low, I set myself a limited amount of 'me' time, and the rest I need to get out and do something with someone. I find then it helps me move on much better.

For example, I recently went through a really crappy time. I wanted to stay in bed but I talked myself to get out and hang with the kids. Then I felt low ago, gave myself an hour of 'me' time, then went out again...

So I guess that's how I get over hurdles. I have push myself to get out because I know it makes me feel better - but I also know 'me' time is important.

Anyway, I'm going to dash and take the kids out. I'll come and check back on posts later tonight, tomorrow... otherwise monday.

PLEASE take care!

[Captain24]

Having sundays off sounds like it’s working for you @tyme I m glad you all have the time right now. I really am proud of you. So be it if it’s not again for a while. You did it. Even if it was only a box tick. 

It’s hard as I don’t really have anyone. That’s my fault though as I’ve isolated myself. Plus for me right now, I’m not up for helping someone with their problems. Both of my friends, all they do is talk about what’s wrong. 

Im trying to work on the concept that today was me time and I have to pull myself back together tomorrow at work. Here’s hoping anyway!

Have fun with the kids. I’ll catch you sometime but probably Wednesday as Monday and Tuesday are nightshifts. 

[Captain24]

I’ve done a lot of Lego today but this one was so cute that I have to share.