I can’t cope

[Captain24]

My bucket of shit was already full and this over flowed it. @Jynx. I also have my period which was 3 weeks late. I’m pissed off that they cancelled my admission. Just hating everything. 

Hmm I don’t know. 

[Jynx]

Wish we could hurl these buckets of sh!t off a bridge or something hey @Captain24. Where's my f**k-it bucket? Chuck all my troubles in there and stop giving a hoot about em.... ach, I wish. 

Well you just let me know if things start feeling dicey/risky ok? 

How's your puppers? Trixie has been annoying today, lots of staring and meowing and making me chase her all over the house ahaha

[Captain24]

I’m cooking dinner as I didn’t have time to prepare it yesterday as I had to wait for my pay to come in last night. I gave all my money to my brother so then I didn’t have food @Jynx.

Everyone wants something from me or I’m not worthy of being communicated with. I’m so unimportant to everyone. 

Pix was sick yesterday so I had to keep an eye on her. She’s ok now though. Just runny bums! That’s mums problem though as she is with them during the day. 

So much hatred right now. 

Oh.. she wanted attention and you gave it to her. How sweet. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 that's so tough hun. And then you feel like you have to give them what they want cos if you don't, they'll stop contacting you. It's a rough cycle to be stuck in. Hope you've got some tasty noms sorted now? 

Awww nooo not the leaky bum!! Not on the carpet I hope? 

Here's some love and huggles to chase away the hatred! 💜

 (つˆ⌣ˆ)つ

Haha it's dinner time for them now, so she should be pretty chuffed 😋

[Captain24]

Yeah. I had dinner @Jynx. Not many veggies though as I didn’t have time to cook them all. Why am I not good enough just being me? What does everyone want something from me? I only get contacted when someone wants something. I’m just not worth it. I’m just nothing. I don’t want to be me anymore.

My body is aching especially my shoulders and the top of my arms and my wrists. 

I can’t keep going on like this. I was doing well. 

Nah.. she’s really good at running outside. She is  really good. She was nauseous yesterday and mum was worried about her being on my bed but she knows to go outside. 

Thanks for the love and hugs. I wish it was a real hug. I need one but no one would give me one anyway. I’d have to look after them. 

Food always makes them happy. My two loved their dinner last night cause I roasted a chook

I want to hurt. I want to feel external pain

[Jynx]

@Captain24 the way others treat you only reflects on their qualities, not yours. That they are so happy to take advantage of you, and not actually caring about you, shows that they are selfish in the face of your selflessness. 

I hope you remain you!! I'm awful fond of you for who you are, exactly as you are!! I wish you didn't have to suffer so much, but there's nothing you need to do to 'earn' my companionship. You get that just for existing as the wonderful person you are.

okay now deep breaths, I know getting compliments can feel ooky. But I mean every word 😉

Concerned about you hun - what might help you stay safe tonight? 

[Captain24]

Thank you @Jynx. It does feel ooky but 2 days ago I could have accepted it but not right now it’s too hard. 

Up until today I was managing with just being used. The no food was hard, especially since I’ve been trying to eat well. I was able to self talk myself out of things or into things but it’s all gone. 

Don’t be concerned. I’m not worth it. 

[Jynx]

Alas, my concern is kinda automatic, and based on my value system @Captain24 so I cannot turn it off, especially when it comes to this community. 

I don't want to pester you, but I am worried about you and I am not one to just say 'kay cool I'm off the hook' you know? I wanna make sure you're okay before I disappear. 

[Captain24]

I’m not ok. I’m not ok at all @Jynx.

Ive just gotten into bed after taking meds. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Kay hun, I'm flicking you an email anyway ok? 💜