Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

[Determined]

Thanks @lola  @Former-Member  @Smc 

Yes I am OK. Just feeling down about where to next. More of the same.

As always Darcy has hit the nail on the head. And SMC. 

It is more about loss than anything.

GP was right. And counsellor has said similar.

Responsibilities I have are as important as full time work. I like what @Former-Member said about the need for intellectual challenges. Something that is out of reach atm. 

But also about fear of what others think. Only those closest are aware of our challenges. Anyone else it is none of their business. But I hate being asked ' what do you do'.

Even the duration of my study is starting to raise eye brows. 

[Determined]

**being a carer I don't see as a chore.

It is something you (I) do without question for someone you care for. It is more about feeling inadequate about an inability to do that and provide for my family. 

Even in a job I have the desire to do so k getting where I have an impact. Not just do a task. 

Unfortunately I just don't have the emotional or intellectual capacity for anything g more than basic any more.

As SMC said. When it has been a slow erosion over time it is hard to even define what has been lost. 

[Former-Member]

I don't find caring to be a chore either @Determined  and I was so grateful for my job as I could not have coped with anything more demanding at the time and probably need to proceed with caution and do "one off" things and not take on something that has the potential for burnout.

[Smc]

Yep @Determined. Explaining why something is taking longer than it should, or why you're not working/not full-time can mean breaching the privacy of the person you're caring for. Or even simply explaining why you are "always tired".

I do find caring for Older Daughter an unwanted drain, on me, and Hubby, and our family in general. She's continued to slowly deteriorate, which means there is little or no intrinsic reward in caring for her, just a dogged determination to hold on in the hope that she will somehow change course and start recovering. I'm not sure where "reaching a point of acceptance" comes into it when it means "accepting" a continued process of damage, to herself and to others close to her. I've found one of my basic drivers in life is a desire to mend and restore and heal, and I feel trapped in a place where what is happening instead is destruction, decay and harm. I hang on to the hope of heaven while riding out the shadows of hell.

Being a bit brutally honest here. Maybe sometimes honesty is a form of acceptance... I don't want to give up hoping, and I know that even when nothing seems to exist but blackness, that doesn't mean that light has therefore been extinguished. It may be hidden for a time, but somehow the moon moves on in its course and the sun comes out of its eclipse... eventually.

[StillIrise]

My thoughts are with you and I pray for you and your family

Ihave to believe there is light through the darkness even for myself

i find it easier to argue with people than to try and get everyone to be at peace in me.

im 52 they need to understand  I'm finally getting to be in ownership of me, but that doesn't mean I forget what and who kept me safe.

i want to be on board for the ride not wa6tching from far away anymore

Self Love will get us through.

[Determined]

My biggest problem is that burnout levels have been reached and exceeded over a long period of time.  Now I am paying the price of failure to get adequate support. A common carer symptom.

At least I still have the ability to do what needs to be done re caring role. Just not much more.

That is kind of what the hogwash getting at I think. Accepting that at this time my family is my no. 1 priority and accepting that that is enough. Because it is not insignificant. 

[Determined]

We have a review end of next week where we will get the results of S3s intellectual assessments. Given his age though this will be a case of monitoring over  a period of years. With S1 the gap increased (and continues to increase) as he gets older.  At least this will help us to better informed when selecting schools. 

Darling and I also have increasing concerns re her dad and what support he is going to require into the future. 

Despite the need to walk on eggshells darling is doing relatively ok at the moment. There is evidence to suggest that this may change if I was not constantly available. 

Tis the carers lot I guess.

So much of what you are saying @Smc  @Former-Member  resonates so well. While I am well aware I am fare from alone it does help to receive input from those who understand so I appreciate your thought and input. Helps with the acceptance process as often it feels like ( to me) like a cop out and excuse for my inability to function. I believe this is what the go was getting at about my expectations for myself and life. 

[Determined]

Thanks also @StillIrise  for your thoughts.

[Determined]

And just  for some humor 

[Eve7]

You are doing an awesome job @Determined . Please believe that even though it doesn’t make it easier just the fact you have stayed and that you continue to be committed shows the strength of your character. One moment, one hour, one day at a time.

🙏