Lived Experience Forum

[Eve7]

I’m just doing small things around home and going for walks @Captain24 as well as some Uni stuff.

Do you have any craft hobbies or garden?

[Captain24]

Hey @PizzaMondo 

I need to find a reason to live. I need a purpose. But what? I’m not worth anything. It was hard because I know it’s right but I just don’t know how. How many times do I need to be told I have to get myself together. I just keep failing. 

My CM finishes at 5. I guess if I haven’t heard from her by now I’m not going to. I do have an appointment with her tomorrow there is just a lot that can happen between now and then. 

[Captain24]

That is so good @Eve7. I know how tough it is for you right now. 

I have done Lego and diamond art but I’m struggling to get off the lounge and leaving the house is a whole different ball game. 

[Captain24]

She never got back to me. On my own again. 

[PizzaMondo]

I can hear that you are struggling right now @Captain24 - I can imagine it feels super heavy and dark to carry all these thoughts too. Would it be surprising to hear that while you may feel you just keep failing, that you staying connected is also hopeful and an expression of self-worth? I say this because we (SANE forums community) care about ya and what you've got to say!

I noticed you said 'how many times do I need to be told I have to get myself together' - makes me curious about - what do you think you need? I'd also like to know as @Eve7 asked - what are your hobbies - how do you prefer to spend your time? I ask this because I created and found my purpose from what brought me joy, what allowed me to kept learning about what I love and care about.. so I wonder if this is something that could be possible for you?

Did you hear from your CM? Maybe she got caught up with work too - but it's good you have an appointment with her tomorrow. Are you safe for now?

[Captain24]

It is really heavy at the moment @PizzaMondo. There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. 

I need to find a purpose for being alive. My life has never been much and I’ve never really been into much. I really only do diamond art and Lego. At the moment I’m really struggling to find anything that I enjoy. I have been snuggling with my dogs and watching tv. I’m also really having trouble leaving the house. Leaving is causing anxiety. 

I guess she was too busy. They have a lot of really sick people and are short staffed. I’m not really a priority. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Captain24 I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough one. I'm here for you if you wanna chat - about what's going on for ya, or about other stuff, up to you. 

I think it's an interesting thought - about our 'purpose'. I feel like a big part of that (or what I have observed at least) has been the societal pressure to be 'useful'. Because we live in a social structure that values our labour and skills above our humanness, we're conditioned to believe that in order to have worth, we need to have purpose, but that simply isn't true. 

I think humans do strive to have a purpose, that is plenty true. We're biologically wired to want to seek things out, and help out our community, because our social connections and thus contributing to the community are how we thrive. But I also think our purpose doesn't have to be some big, overarching, single-minded life goal; I think it's perfectly okay, wonderful even, to have the 'purpose' we set ourselves towards just be something simple like 'enjoy the little things' or 'make art'. 

I found this a little while ago, I think it sums it up really well: 

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

It’s tough.. real tough. 

So you’re saying that there doesn’t really need to be a purpose in life? Just go with the flow? 

I said my only reason for living was Pix and Jett. But she said I needed things to look forward too. I’ve got none of that either. 

Trying to find stuff is making me feel useless. Am I just wasting everyone’s time by being here? Would everyone be better off if I wasn’t around. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I guess I'm saying that we're pressured to find our 'true calling' in life and that there's also a social expectation that our purpose needs to be grand, important, or make lots of money. If that's what 'purpose' is, then no, we don't need to have that. We could have our purpose literally be to pursue a passion in bird watching, or making jewellery out of recyclables, or cooking for our friends and loved ones. I just feel like it's really easy for us to put heaps of pressure on ourselves to have some sort of overarching goal or vocation that we direct all our energy toward (and often also pressured to utilise this purpose to make money) - because society puts pressure on us to do so. 

The main point I think I'm trying to get across is that not having some kind of 'purpose' does NOT make us useless. Nor should we ever be defined by our 'usefulness'. If you wanted to define your purpose as 'Give my dogs a great life whilst I work on my recovery' then that would be completely valid. 

So no, you're not wasting our time at all! You're part of this community! The world is better for having you in it. So many folks here can attest to how much you're part of the forums family. You're Pix & Jett's whole world! Providing a good life to other living things is a beautiful thing. 

[Captain24]

That’s helpful @Jynx. I don’t feel so invalid for not having a purpose. 

I still don’t feel like this life is for me though.