I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Just found out that a friend is coming to visit next weekend. Now my job list has just tripled! I have to do all the cleaning and organising that I don’t normally do. So much stuff that I just hide. ADHD! While my house seems clean, I only clean what I can see and use. Now I have to do the whole lot! 

I need for my adhd to settle to get it all done. No last minute frenzy. I only have one day next week as I’ll be working. 

I need to push myself past my limits. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24!

it's tough when you have little time to clean up and get rest - i know you mentioned that you "need to push myself past my limits" but i do worry you'll burn yourself out quicker. would it be possible to change the location of the meet up, maybe to her place or a local cafe, etc? that way there's less stress on you to get the house tidied?

i too have thrown things in cupboard or hid them in other areas to seem 'clean' - honestly, it's hard cleaning an entire house with such little time! it's totally okay to chuck them in a corner to deal with another time. it doesn't make you less of an amazing person!!

[Captain24]

She is from Sydney so she is staying here which means everything has to be done. @rav3n. I know that she won’t judge me at all but I will judge me. I expect my whole house to be spotless. I think I have a little OCD as I’m a bit obsessive about things. Things have to be in order and done in order. It may just be autism, I don’t know. 

I’ve just whipper snippered my front and back lawns, now to mow them for the next 2 hours. Then to start on the list for her to come. I am worried about burnout too. I’m already on the brink of it. But I just have to do it.

I think I have a pretty serious problem with lists and making sure I push to achieve them. Everyone tells me to rest and take breaks, I tell myself that too but I just can’t until it’s done. I’ll give myself 5 minutes after I have done a couple of things and then I’m back into it. I know in my mid that it’s ok to not be productive all the time and that I really don’t have to do everything everyday but the other side of my mind says I have to or something will happen. I will unmask and let life get to me. If I haven’t done everything then I get really depressed and hate myself. It’s so hard. I know I need to give myself a break but I just don’t know how to stop. 

All this started when I was trying to prove I was being recovery focused when I was in a really bad way. Showing that even though I was really depressed I was doing things as well instead of couch rotting so that you guys would think I was trying to get better. 

[rav3n]

ahh i see! how long is your friend staying for? @Captain24 

so it's more of a self-pressure to get these things done, and i imagine it feels quite uncomfortable and maybe feels 'wrong' when the tasks aren't done? feel free to correct me if i'm wrong. 

the main things that's worked for me is reframing the thoughts immediately - it's taken a lot of practice (and it's still something i'm working on) but i do see a lot of changes compared to a few years ago. i know the reframing thoughts are easier said than done, especially when they feel strong. but it is very possible, and i have seen you reframing thoughts before so i know you can do it!!

would planning in some breaks into the list help? it doesn't have to be long breaks, but even 5 min ones can make a difference. @AuntGlow shared this body-doubling video with me recently and it's helped me in remembering to take breaks while also getting my work done: Virtual body doubling 3-HOUR WORK WITH ME | Pomodoro 30/5 for study/work | Chill music, rain sounds

thought i'd share it in case its something you'd like to try 😊

[Captain24]

She is staying for 2 nights. @rav3n. I met her when I went to hospital the first time. When I went down to the coast in August it was to see her. She is an amazing friend. 

It is a self-pressure thing. Yes it feels wrong if I don’t achieve it all. I beat myself up about it and then things start to plummet and get out of control. If I get it all done I’m ok. 

I am working on the reframing and the self-talk. But there’s just somethings that I can work out how to reframe. Such as having to get everything done. How do I reframe ‘it has to be done’ when it actually has to be? 

I can try planning breaks but I have the trouble that if I stop I struggle to go again. The more exhausted I am the harder it is. This is where the AuDHD causes problems. The ADHD wants to stop and get distracted but the autism wants things done and in order. So it’s a massive internal fight in my brain. 

I’ll have a look at that when I stop later on tonight. It sounds like it would be interesting or maybe helpful. I’m open to anything that will change my thought process even though my mind is against it. It’s a really hard one to deal with and work out. 

[tyme]

Ello! @Captain24 

I've just been catching up on all the posts from PAGES back. 

So much has happened since I last 'saw' you.

When is your friend coming again?

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Yeah.. so much has been happening. I can’t believe you read it all! I appreciate that. 

My friend is coming next weekend, it’ll be so good to see her and show her around. Just a lot of work to make everything perfect by the time she gets here. 

I’ve just sat down and had dinner. I have been in the go all day. I still have stuff to do. But because I was hurrying when I was doing the ironing I burnt my hand. 😢 It really hurts! 

Your anxiety is peaking… the one I’m feeling for you! 😜 Has your visa come through? 

[tyme]

Yes, it took some time to go through it, so sorry if I missed any details - but my oh my... it's thing after thing after thing! I hope things will eventually settle and you get to chill and relax with your babies lol.

And NO! My visa hasn't come through. I emailed them and they just gave me the generic, "It's under process and you will receive an email once it's been finalised"... oh well, I wasn't going to start packing anyway. My sister has started packing the kids stuff. I leave next week! @Captain24 

Did you get your house ready with the lawns etc? Then again, by the time your friend comes, I'm sure your lawns would've been ready for the next mow lo.l. Never stops!

[Captain24]

I just want to stop and have a break from life @tyme. It’s seems like things are just going wrong. The scare at work, my mood challenges, not knowing what they are or what is causing them for sure. While I love that my friend is coming it just means more work and no stopping. 

I have done the lawns but yes they will need redoing next week. You should see my massive list of things to do. I want to tick some of them off tomorrow so it’ll be a full on day. Again. I see it as the more I do now the less I have to try and fit into one day next week! I just want to sit and cry though. 

Oh No… what happens if it doesn’t come though? Do you just leave later but the flights and stuff? This is my/your anxiety brain talking. Are you getting worried or just taking it in your stride? 

I have found house photos of you want me to spam you with them? 

[tyme]

I hear you about the list and I know about what it feels like to just want a break. I feel like that's what PARCS did for it. I could just STOP. It makes sucha a difference. In a way, it sounds like burnout. Plus everything else on top of that. PLease look after yourself.

And yes, please send through the photos as long as they are okay to share on a public forum. I still have this mossy green in my mind. @Captain24 

With the visa... I don't know. I can't leave until I get it.