I can’t cope

[Jynx]

Ach @Captain24 you woken up feeling rubbish eh? 

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of recovery, where one day you actually feel decent! Then the next, it's all dark clouds and wondering where it all went wrong. 

I wouldn't overthink it too much hun, trying to find 'where it all went wrong' is likely a pursuit that will just drive you bonkers and worsen your mood further. If it was something distinct, you'd already know what it was. But it could be all sorts of stuff, everything from trauma's habitual thinking, to hormones, to something bizarre and obscure, like your usual bread brand have added a new preservative that's messing with your brain chemistry. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is re-focus, away from 'Why did it all go wrong?' to 'What can I do now that might change things?'

[Captain24]

I don’t know @Jynx. I tried so hard to lift myself back. I did what I did yesterday. 

I did diamond art and I listened to music. What could I have done better? What should I have done differently? What can I do? I have tried my self care. It’s so hard, maybe it’s too hard to get well. I just have to hold onto those random does of being ok. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sometimes, the more we reach for something, the more it slips through our fingers. Perhaps part of what made yesterday so good, is that you weren't even thinking about it? 

[Captain24]

Why? @Jynx. I am told I have to work hard to become well. I’m really confused and totally sick of this. It’s like

Im damned if I do and damned if I don’t. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 It's bloody rubbish, isn't it? Especially when it's inherited/family trauma. Like, I didn't ask to be all sorts of messed up by the stuff I went through as a kid. Why am I responsible for working through it all? 

I also think that something folks don't talk about enough is that I reckon it's completely possible, and more common than we think, to get burnt out on healing. It's a LOT! With all the appts, the activities, the therapy, constantly getting inundated with info about what to do to heal, how to work on stuff. We can get overloaded, overworked, and overwhelmed. That's not to say the energy we spend isn't worth the effort, nor is it to say there's no point continuing when feeling this way. Just saying we all need a break, and that maybe it's worth reflecting on whether this applies to you. 

Also, I can tell you now, the work is so, so worth it. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done, to work on my MH like I have. And it took years. But the outcome? Loving myself instead of loathing myself? There's nothing sweeter. 

You'll get there hun. Here, some encouraging pics for ya 💜

[Captain24]

I didn’t ask to be born @Jynx. I didn’t ask to be not wanted. I didn’t ask to not be loved. I didn’t ask to be mis treated. I didn’t ask to hit.

I wish I knew what to do. If I lift my foot off the pedal then that means I don’t want to get better. If I don’t try consistently, I can’t be helped. This is what it feels like from my team. Not me putting it in myself.

If I try so hard it’s exhausting and it hurts when it doesn’t work and I’m not good enough. If I don’t try then I’m not good enough either and not worthy of help. 

How do I learn to love myself when I don’t actually know what love is in the real context of the word. It’s only with my 2 babies. 

I like the pics. Thanks

[Captain24]

 

[Captain24]

That pic kinda matches my post before hand. @Jynx. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 very curious how you came to this conclusion: 

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@Captain24 wrote:

I wish I knew what to do. If I lift my foot off the pedal then that means I don’t want to get better. If I don’t try consistently, I can’t be helped. This is what it feels like from my team. Not me putting it in myself.

...that if you slow down, it means you don't want to get better. Or wait, are you saying here that this is what you've been told by your treating team? 

I guess it depends on what 'taking your foot off' means. What I was talking about, in terms of taking a breather, was like... space out appts or postpone them for a couple weeks. Take a break from reading that self-help book, take a break from CBT and therapy homework... basically, take a break from ruminating on why things aren't improving by stepping back from the things that are maybe starting to feel overwhelming or exhausting, that kinda thing. Definitely does not mean to stop engaging in self-care, or to purposefully engage with unhealthy coping tools and stuff like that. I wonder if what your team are meaning is like... don't take your foot off the gas altogether, i.e. to just stop doing anything that supports recovery. Are they potentially seeing 'taking the foot off' as giving up entirely? In any case, could be worth chatting to your supports about whether some changes are due? 

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@Captain24 wrote:

If I try so hard it’s exhausting and it hurts when it doesn’t work and I’m not good enough. If I don’t try then I’m not good enough either and not worthy of help. 

How do I learn to love myself when I don’t actually know what love is in the real context of the word. It’s only with my 2 babies. 

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Perhaps what is lacking then is balance? Which is kinda what I've been getting at. Trying so hard you completely burn yourself out is about as helpful as not trying at all. Finding a middle ground could help, perhaps?

Hmm... I've legit been thinking about kicking off a thread about the concept of 'love'. It's such a complex, and a very personal one hey. I mean, the love you have for your dogs is so pure, so beautiful... not everyone is as dedicated to their pets (which always baffles me....). The dedication you have to ensuring their needs are met, the joy you feel when they fall asleep on your lap, that is love. So what does that feel like for you? Learning to recognise that feeling is a good step towards nurtuting it and cultivating it to become a bigger part of your life.

The journey to self-love is a tough one, cos everyone's is different. It tends to start with self-acceptance, or it did for me. Well I think it's even in the list of PGC topics so keep an eye out! 

Glad you liked the pics. I'll be heading off in a bit just so you know! Got anything on for tomorrow? 

[Captain24]

If I say I’m tired, I’m tired of trying then they asked if I want to get better or not @Jynx. I can only get better if I try. My CM is the hardest on me. She is really harsh and abrupt. I do like her but sometimes she just pushes me too much and too far. If I can’t meet expectations I feel like I have failed her. 

But today I am tired of trying and I’m scared to admit it because I really am trying to get better, just not today. Today is almost over and I tried all morning now I just can’t. 

I get the ‘you just need a break’. I need to allow that. I have done well this week as I’ve had no appointments so it’s been less pressure. There’s been no conflicting treatment, there has been no pushing. 

Self-acceptance can be difficult too. It’s hard when society has said you are conceited if you think good of yourself. 

Just housework tomorrow, bath Pix and getting ready to go back to work. 

Do you have any plans? 

Im a little scared right now. We have been having a lot of break ins and Pix has just gone off! Everything is locked though.