I can’t cope

[Shaz51]

Sitting with you and holding you @Captain24 

Close your eyes and try to sleep xx

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Shaz51 I've just been having a look at the notification issue. It looks like all your settings are fine and set up to get notifications. Unfortunately, the forums system can have these frustrating quirks and it's a little bit hard to troubleshoot exactly what's going on. We're keeping an eye on it, but if you notice specific posts or threads that you're just not getting notifications from, or any patterns like @tyme mentioned, please let us know and we can look into it.

[Captain24]

I be toss and turned for the last few hours. I couldn’t sleep properly because I’m still so angry. I’m an idiot cause now I have to get through a whole night. 

On top of it all I feel really sick. Life’s a bitch. 

[Captain24]

It was a really aggressive drive to work. Pretty dangerous actually. Plus I drove past work with the intention of just taking off. I need my job though. My babies need me. 

Im not ok. I’m scared. It’s getting out of control. I’m out of control. 

[Jynx]

Aww hugs @Captain24🫂

Would it be worth mentioning to one of your supports that you're noticing more risk-taking behaviour coming out, and it's worrying you?

[Captain24]

It doesn’t matter @Jynx I just don’t care what happens. I know I’m stupid and there is no point to life. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 definitely disagree with the 'stupid' part hun. Not a fan of it when anyone speaks so poorly of  Captain24, she's a superstar and doesn't deserve to be called names! 😉

As for the part about life having no point... well I could get a bit philosophical with this one, but the main thought I have on this topic is well, so what? Maybe life doesn't have a point. Maybe it's all just random chance and humanity is a complete fluke. But I don't balk at the thought, in fact I find it pretty freeing. If life doesn't have a point, or some grand meaning or purpose, then maybe that means we can just go through life learning about the whackiness of the universe, finding cool rocks and shiny things, dancing in the rain, cuddling our fuzzy pals... and not worry about much else. I find great comfort in the idea that life is meaningless. It means we get to create the meaning for ourselves. 

Okay rant over. 

[Captain24]

I get what you are saying about no point @Jynx and I’m hearing it. It does make sense and is a different way to look at it. I do like it but I’m having trouble with the thought of am I worth it. I just have had enough and just don’t want to be alive anymore. I think that was part of my stupidity on the way out here.

I also have nothing nice to say about myself. I just see myself as a stupid, worthless idiot. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 worth what? To whom? How do we measure our worth? How would your life look different if you had this 'worth'?

Also, if some distracty chats would be better than deep discussion right now, just let me know 😉

[Captain24]

Sorry @Jynx  I was at work and wasn’t suppose to have my phone and someone came and sat with me for a couple of hours as they had nothing to do. 

I think your worth is based on what your are and can do for others. It’s a sense of self. Something that you just know. Something that gives you confidence to get through to the next day. Something that makes your life valuable.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense. I’ve just come off nightshift. 

If I had worth then there may be a reason to get up, a reason to live, a reason to care, just some value to me and who I am.