Just checking in.

[Teej]

Me too with the blegh feeling @CheerBear . I can imagine that you’ll need a break from the sadness and sickness. You tend to live it I think when you’re in the thick of it. I remember that a bit but it was before my Big Bang. 

Oh with middles muddle. Sounds like there’s some confronting stuff coming. I’m hoping not too big though, just enough for the changes that would help to be made. I think it’s better now than when they are in the midst of teenage years, that becomes messier. 

Im just lost and confused and sick of myself making goals and then getting side tracked or something coming up that changes everything. I have a feeling you know the latter part well about things constantly changing or coming up unexpectedly. 

I guess I’ve been realising that the changeable traits of BPD and adhd are strongly in play with me changing direction and losing sight of my goals constantly. I want to change this but it’s so hard to do when you have a scatter brain.

Had a session with my therapist today and she helped me to try to put to bed the thing that’s haunting me that shouldn’t be. Not sure if it’s gone for good yet but time will tell. 

How many more more sleeps away? 

[CheerBear]

Thanks for getting it @Teej. Definitely living the sickness and feeling down with that. It's a rollercoaster in so many ways.

Totally understand the lost-ness and confusion (and for me a bucket load of anger) when stuff happens that changes things 😏 It's hard to try and do the goal thing then have to adjust them for whatever reason that might be. The combo of ADHD and BPD being at play would be really tricky at times and would take some working around/with when it comes to goals. I guess this is part of the 'rebuilding a life' stuff for you that isn't exactly easy maybe?

[CheerBear]

Realise I didn't answer that one @Teej - we're away for not much longer then the crew will be back so I can do a clean for the house inspection without them, then we're all supposed to be going away to another place over Easter. I feel like we're kind of here, there and everywhere these holidays.

[Teej]

You know I try not to use my mh stuff as excuses @CheerBear (although there was a time when I did) but if the behaviour stuff that’s been here a lifetime with maybe some brain wired stuff I think I’m beginning to see how building that new life seems somewhat impossible just now. It it feels like a very big wall (bigger than Trumps 😜:face_with_rolling_eyes:) is up in front of me. I’ll work it out. 

I think there is some hangover stuff from my psych appointment that im mad at myself for. I didn’t follow up something I should have and now it’s going round and round in my brain. She wasn’t phased by my increase meds and was supportive of it and of giving up hrt. We had lots of curly stuff which went ok but it’s still on high rotation in my head 😳😬. 

[Teej]

That does sound busy @CheerBear . I’m thinking the holidays might go fast though this time for you having it broken up into parts. I’m thinking that you’ll be ready for some you time when they are back at school.....although with a few new roles maybe a bit busier 😄. 

[CheerBear]

I'm glad psych wasn't phased by your increase in meds @Teej. That not-following-things-up-mad-at-yourself feelings - I've been holding back on something with my psych that I keep getting frustrated with myself about because I'm not talking about. I see him tomorrow morning and have sat writing and deleting a post about needing to face it now and not wanting to walk out again feeling like I should have gone there. It's a conversation about OCPD that I don't want to have but don't want to keep not having too. I've some big woah moments lately that have made me see my need for control can be absolutely out of control. I turn into someone I don't like and I need to fix it. Probably not the same kind of thing as you're talking about but thought I'd slip that one in quietly while it's sitting in my head (and before I chicken out and delete that too).

Walls suck Teej and you know you're in a bit of trouble when you're trumping Trump 😉😘 I wonder whether the wall won't be quite as giant once other things like settlement and surgery are sorted? I think it's hard for many of us when there is lots of uncertainty and stress happening and you've had a fair share of it lately.

[Teej]

Regardless of what it is @CheerBear , those scary conversations are hard to have because it makes us so vulnerable and I guess once it’s out it can’t be retracted. I’m beginning to do more of getting the tricky stuff out but it’s not easy. I cheated and went half way there on Tuesday 😉. Maybe tomorrow is a good day for it because you have some support to take the pressure off you after. 

And you know im now here to hassle you to do it 😘. 

My moments of self frustration came because cause I wrote some honest things down and when my brain is a bit scattered I usually give her what I’ve written and she reads it and might pick something out. On Tuesday there were lots of expressive 'oh' noises and I chickened out of asking her what she was reacting to and why. I have lots of really messy brain and behaviour stuff that's not trauma related and it brings so much shame but it is helping to get some of it out and discussed in the open. I think I’m frustrated at how slow this is all going to be. 

I know stuff is going on and you have big big stuff going on but are managing to achieve some personal goals too. I think I need to find some big girl pants so I can try to do more than one thing at a time, not as in multitasking as such but my brain hones in on a problem and nothing else matters while that problem is there. 

I hope you get to talk about it tomorrow because from what I know of you it will be better out than in.....And just quietly I had a control issue for a while, I think it comes a bit from solo parenting school age kids. It might be way different from what you are experiencing but I’m glad mine isn’t there like it was. 

[Teej]

Hiya @Sans911 

feel free to jump in to this conversation too if you wish😄

and I’ve seen @Faith-and-Hope floating by

👋🏻💜👋🏻💜

[Teej]

So sorry for my really messily worded posts. I think anyone reading them needs an interpreter to read them in English.  I’m afraid I’ve reverted back to my native language of jibberish 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hiya @Teej @CheerBear @Zoe7 and anyone else around 👋💕

Still have lots of homework of an evening, and big dragon flying in tonight so I want to go to bed ahead of pumpkin coach and tattered dress hour ..... but buzzing around in the background here nonetheless, every time I come up for air.

Not sure my counsellor knows what to do with me ...... but she is clearly gobsmacked about what I am / have been up against ..... 

I guess it’s all looking a bit like this ..... ⁉️😳