Relatives that bully you

[FearofUnknown]

Tomorrow I MUST spend Christmas with relatives that have been constantly bullying me throughout my life and thus, contribute to my Mental Health problems. And there is no escape. I have to put up an act around these relatives when deep inside, I can never forgive them for the hurt that they've done which included turning my Younger Sister against me. My Older Brother ALWAYS takes their side and blames me for everything. I'm so afraid I might make him angry again every single day that we live together. 

When I am by myself, I have severe panic attacks where I just freeze up and sweat profusely. I can't calm myself down. I hate how I cannot just be myself around these people without the fear of being bullied once again. They are my biological family members, but I keep being singled out by them!

How can I survive Christmas? 

[Captain24]

Are you able to find some space away from them for a little bit? @FearofUnknown. I know you said it causes panic attacks though. I don’t know a different room or something? A walk maybe? The excuse that you need to walk off some of the food? I don’t know. 

For me I’m lucky, my parents will leave after lunch and then not come back until dinner. That’s my space from them. My brother doesn’t come home so I won’t see or hear from him which is a good thing when they are all together they bully and belittle me constantly. 

[Holly__GL]

I feel this and it’s so tough. For years I’ve loved the lead-up to Christmas but hated Christmas Day because of the people I have to spend it with. Family obligation that leads to retraumatising is just something else. And getting caught in the comparison trap of everyone who has a cohesive family, good dynamics, no judgment and they just sit, eat and have a good time. My only advice is to do whatever you need to do to get through tomorrow. If you “happen” to come down with a mysterious stomach bug keeping you bed bound and you can’t go, that’s fine because your mental health comes first. But if that sense of obligation is pulling, it’s a matter of hours and it’s a hard thing but I just try and imagine each triggering word spoken as a drop of water rolling off a ducks back.

[Sugarshack]

Gday @FearofUnknown this sounds a lot like my family culture and the only way I could survive them was to build up my life away from them. So that I had "enough" that my ego is somewhat and relatively satisfied with the life I have created. It burns when the criticism is familiar, the unhappy attitudes, the subtle competitions and superiorities replayed year after year. When my memory puts on rose coloured glasses about the past I am sure to realistically review my "list of grudges" and circumstances that influenced various life choices. When I replay the memories of cause/effect action/reaction circumstance/change I feel more comfort in life in that, if I had played my cards the way they wanted me to I would not have a better life, I would have a much worse life BECAUSE they seek to play a game of throwing their family members under the bus. They compete against each other. They don't support or trust or help each other beyond the superficial. 

All of that makes me very sad with the what ifs and the couldabeens. But, I tell myself as learned from psychology "I'm not grieving my actual family, I'm grieving the family I wish I had". We had some good times when we were little kids. I honour my Mum for the efforts she used to make. I skipped out on a few of the toxic family christmases and rescheduled my own christmas to include personal happiness and friendships. Oh yes I mourn and grieve for what could have been but it's reminding oneself of what ACTUALLY IS that changes perspective.

For your circumstances could you:

- Write a list of things you like about yourself;

- Put items or pictures of your life on show;

- Just numb out through the formalities and...

Get home and be so very grateful for all that you have created. It's hard without other people, I dont have partner or kids etc but I tell myself, if I did things would not be better. Its those bullies and one uppers internalised - "YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE AND THEN YOU WILL BE LOVED!!" I tell myself ...this is the actual problem is the bullying internal and external. That self love is to spend Christmas unlearning the hurtful habits and internalising the peace and love of self that extends to friends and family once we have it within us. 

As in the family members who pick and bully don't extend love and peace, but you can do that separately to them and thats where we splinter off into chosen family/friends/single life because we want to have nice relationships not continue the curse of nastiness to each other. It hurts because we did change and grow away from that, they do it because they have a competition in their mind where they HAVE to make someone else the loser before they become the loser. It's sad but all you can do is turn away and tolerate their game playing when you have to and love life when you're away from them.