BPD Relationship Struggles

[3_DHD]

I just went through something traumatic and I've been going through various support services and well.. ended up here. Hoping someone can give a little insight I've missed. 

So I was in a (relatively) stable relationship and this person has Borderline Personality Disorder and seemingly some unrecognised narcissistic traits. She's had a troubled life and I didn't expect anything from the get go but I fell hard for this person. I think I helped her so much in such a short time (she even said so many times), but I slipped up and by accident and triggered a trauma response. I tried to do what I had done in similar situations prior to amend the situation but it didn't work this time (misunderstandings from both sides I think). She said she tried to severely harm herself shortly after. I encouraged her to go with her instincts and take some time to herself. I could feel her 'splitting' even though I didn't know enough about BPD to name it yet (another of my faults here, I should have learned more earlier..). I tried to drop off some flowers for our (missed) anniversary date, thinking I was doing something good. I just wanted her to know that she was loved at a distance. I didn't even expect to see her or spend time together until she was ready to.

She said she wasn't home (much later found to be a lie) and didn't seem to want me to leave them for her to get later. I went to my brother's place and just cried. I didn't understand fully what happened yet. She told me she had a PTSD trauma response for when something else bad happened with a past partner. I tried to make it right to the best of my ability and felt (and still feel) intense guilt and shame over hurting her feelings so deeply. It pains me so much. I tried my absolute best to abide by her boundaries and let her figure things out herself, but knowing how many miscommunications happened and the pain it was causing us I pushed to talk with her. I tried to communicate my pain feel but I feel like my efforts fell on deaf ears and were potentially misunderstood in my emotional state. Up until then I'd always been very calm and collected. 

I've theorised a few reasons why the following happened but can't confirm anything. My efforts at support were taken as if I were trying to bring her harm. The split had happened. She has some sort of amnesia (I think it's' a self protection mechanism?) which doesn't help either. She blocked me on everything and said she couldn't see me again, before filing for a restraining order. I have a few options but none ideal. I didn't know what to make of it. I think she's struggling still. I'm heartbroken that the person I loved more than anyone thinks so badly of me and so quickly. Apart from venting, I suppose I'm after any support I may have missed, or things I might've done better. How do I prevent someone with BPD from turning on someone they love like this? I think I have C-PTSD and all of this has really messed with my head, as well as triggering some past (though mostly resolved thankfully) childhood trauma.

I'm going to be seeing a psychologist but that's not for a while. Anyone I can speak to in the meantime? I don't think I'm going to majorly hurt myself (physically at least) but I am still in a lot of emotional pain. I'm just confused. In the meantime I suppose I'll use some of this energy to try and offer support to others here.

Thanks for reading this far have a cookie O

[tyme]

Welcome @3_DHD !

I think there will be some very experienced members more than ready to shed light on your post. I’ll tag in @BPDSurvivor .

see you around!

[BPDSurvivor]

Hello my dear friend @3_DHD ,

It sure sounds like a tough situation. 

I want you to know that what I’m about to share is from a borderline’s perspective. It is not the one and only persoective, but I’m reading your post as though she was myself (a borderline).

First of all, borderlines can flip a switch and change in an instant. To all-over-you adoration to utter hatred and disgust. This happens when there is a trigger. It is hard for anyone to predict the trigger because it could be the way you looked at her or the way you didn’t look at her. It could be how you walked into the room or how you sat down.

For me, I was hypersensitive too all these things. For example, a HUGE trigger for me was someone shutting the door. For anyone else, who would have guessed this was a trigger? Yet for me, it sent me spiralling.

 When there’s a trigger, open communication and space worked best for me. For that person to tell me they still loved me and was there for me, but knew I needed space at that time. Hence they would check in and call in day 1 hour, or the next day.

The main thing is with BPD, there is little use reasoning with them while they are in a triggered state. It leads to more emotional pain and often self-harm. When triggered, the smydala in the brain is over stimulated so that the reasoning brain ceases.

Space is what is probably needed.

Worded sentences which empower a borderline is so important. eg if you said, “I’m here to give you flowers. Open the door” it would be more triggering than “I’ve bought fliers for you. I’m happy if you can open the door, but otherwise, I can leave them at your door for when you are ready”. The latter statement gives choice - it EMPOWERS a borderline.

I have so much more to write, but I think I should give you time to digest this first. No point in me sharing more if you don’t think this post is helpful.

 Happy to be led by you @3_DHD - I’d be more than willing to answer any questions you have.

One thing I want to leave with you - BPD is 100% treatable.

Feel free to visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script  or Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

[BPDSurvivor]

Oh @3_DHD , I forgot to mention. PLEASE don’t blame yourself for any of your actions. I don’t not believe they are the root cause of the issue.

Whether or not you did what you did, sooner or later something would happen and trigger a ‘BPD response’.

I know, because I’ve lived it. I kept blaming people for how I reacted… so much so, I escaped and cut off all ties to my ‘problem people’. Only to discover the ‘problems’ followed me. In other words, I was the common denominator. I was the cause of my own issues.

With heaps of therapy and support, I have drastically improved and things couldn’t be better for me now. Of course I still have BPD moments here or there, but nothing like what it was in the past. 

Therapy works when the borderline is ready and committed.

In the meantime, please take care of your own mental health and well-being. BPD is a LONG journey - a magic pill won’t ‘fix’ it. It requires long term psychotherapy.

[Ive]

It sounds as though you placed much importance on her mental health. I'm getting the sense that somewhere along the line BPD started to govern your life intensely. I wonder if at some stage you lost focus on yourself and personal well-being. I do believe that you genuinely loved this person and she loved you too. But, is it possible you prioritised making this person's life better to the extent that it is how you gauged your own self-worth? I think that you may have a strong sense of empathy and that your deteriorated state is the result of long term suffering. It is possible that this relationship was controlling and even degrading for you (I don't think it happened with intention or malice). Now, with the rejection to the extent of a restraining order, it's as though this is a reflection on you and your value as a person. I think you have taken on a lot,  and as a result, you are overwhelmed and depleted. I think it is so important that you have acknowledged and articulated what has happened  as "traumatic". I think you are incredible for seeking professional help and publicly discussing your pain. 

I was diagnosed with BPD over a decade ago. I'm a female about to turn 40. I'm still learning about myself every moment. My world is chaos and full of struggle, but I believe life is like that for many outside of the borders of "borderline"

[jazz]

Welcome @Ive thanks for you post and for sharing. This is a great space for support and sharing, hopefully you get some good support out of this, I am sure you will. All the best 

[Ive]

Thankyou Jazz

[MaryK]

This is a tricky one. BPD can actually have good outcomes if the individual is willing to enter treatment and engage with it, most commonly a combination of DBT and individual therapy. There’s a debate about whether it’s useful or biased but there’s a book called Walking on Eggshells regarding BPD.

most people with BPD have a history of trauma, or multiple traumas so if willing then getting her into a trauma specialist therapist or support group could be helpful. I had a friend with BPD and I had to be very firm on boundaries and selfcare, sometimes things like I love you and I need to do x because my son needs me, and sometimes she was so terrified I’d abandon her that she’d threaten certain behaviours to try and prevent me doing so. 
my basic advice is support yourself, speak with a therapist on guidance for yourself, and as heartbreaking as it can be sometimes you need to step back and say something like I love you and will always be there, I’m not abandoning you, I need to focus on myself while you get the help you need. 
depending where you live there’s services like in NSW the Victims Services offers free/subsidised counselling for trauma survivors even if charges were never laid, something possibly helpful for her. I’m a trauma survivor and I reacted in a different way but I had to acknowledge and integrate my trauma (doesn’t mean talking in depth for sessions on end about it) before I could get to a space where yes I have flares but mostly I live a normal (whatever that is) life with healthy relationships and rebuilding of self esteem. It can be done. As a carer of a mother who’s aging a just finished active cancer treatment, and who is clueless of her narc tendencies and behaviours, clinicians have been a great support in helping me learn to manage her behaviours and boundaries. 
it’s not a light read but I related strongly to much of the content in The Body Keeps the Score, a book by a psychiatrist with decades experience working with people with a variety of trauma histories. 
remeber selfcare and hth 🌺

[tyme]

@MaryK  - I have read Walking on Eggshells. I can't say I found it very helpful when I was going through my BPD struggles. I think it's more a book you can enjoy AFTER a period of BPD crisis. What do you think?

In terms of supports, I found non-BPD specific books more helpful. Like Calming the Emotional Storm and The Happiness Trap. These were more about implementing strategies and techniques. It also provided a different perspective about why we behave the way we do.

Thank you for your post @MaryK - really appreciate it 🙂