Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

[Former-Member]

Hi @Epona   this tread is for those of us who have chosen to stay for the long haul with our partners.  Please feel free to join in and ask any questions.  @Former-Member  supports her husband with PTSD, but a lot of our loved ones have had trauma along the way ☹.

[Former-Member]

Communication is a key to maintaining any relationship, with or without chronic illness.  I found that I was not communicating my needs so well and was perhaps not understanding what Mr Darcy's needs were either.  

Here are three acronyms for communication skills that are used in DBT.

[Determined]

Great article @Former-Member 

Have been giving this some thought at the moment as our positive communication is non existent at the moment 😕  very timely for me... 

I especially like 'don't apologise for existing' lol.

[Determined]

*Easy manner, pay attention to your posture, tone and volume....*

This is a problem for me... apparently... even when I am happy people sometimes think I am upset or angry 😞 

Without looking for excuses perhaps that is the result of always being on the defence and a subconscious expectation of conflict???

[Former-Member]

It may well be @Determined, perhaps something to raise with your counselor - perhaps even taking a print out of the acronyms - you have mentioned liking the apologising for existing but also always being on the defence with a subconcious expectation of conflict and getting some practical assistance might help.

In the mean time - perhaps investing in some of these???

I was quite interested as I read that DBT holds promise for bipolar and was thinking of asking Mr D's case worker if there was something structured that would be suitable for him. He told me he prefers the structured program aspect of GROW more helpful than the psychology sessions which are not.   I believe that they are helpful for anxiety and depression.

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/bipolar-disorder/dbt-holds-promise-patients-bipolar-disorder

[starflame]

@Former-Member  Thank you, sorry for the late reply I have been unwell and both my son who suffers with PTSD (because of my health) and my Fiance who suffer bi polar have been having a really tough time and I have been focussing on just existing.

My Fiance has Bi Polar II and his condition is pretty much well controlled with medication. However he has moments when he is very cold towards me which then can trigger a traumatic reaction in myself.

My son is currently coming out of a PTSD crisis and I find that much easier to deal with as it is a condition I also suffer with.

Ironically it is my eldest son who has started to drink alot and become very abusive towards me and to others in the house that is causing the biggest concern.

The joys of being a parent and a future wife!

[Former-Member]

Hi @starflame  Sorry to read that you've been going through such a tough time lately.  Sometimes thats all we can do ... just focus on existing.  Eventually things start to look a little brighter.

My husband has PTSD (from war service) my brother has PTSD (as a result of a car accident resulting in his young daughters death) and I personally suffer from PTSD (as a result of a violent sexual assault many years ago).  So I do understand what you are going through with both yourself and your son ... and I'm really sorry.  Life is pretty tough sometimes isnt it?

I have a brother in law who suffers from BiPolar, so I have a little bit of knowledge about that too.  Although his symptoms are currently well controlled through medication, we all went through a lot of turmoil and trial and error to get to that point.

Oh dear .. the old alcohol ... such a trap for many of us with PTSD.  My husband is a diagnosed alcoholic, and yes his heavy drinking results in a lot of aggression and abuse.  Ironically he has several recently diagnosed serious physical conditions  (Stage IV cancer and also Parkinsons Disease) and has managed to cut back a little on the amount he drinks. But that is offset by the medications he's on which means he is more affected by alcohol now than he was before.

Not sure I got this right ... is the eldest son you mentioned who is drinking a lot, the same son that has PTSD?  Or are they two separate sons?  Many people with PTSD turn to alcohol as a coping tool, as you may know yourself.  I know I have to be very careful because its easy to lapse into drinking to drown our sorrows or in an effort to reduce mental anguish.  It never works, sadly. 

Please do take care Starflame, and if you ever feel your physical safety is under threat, remove yourself from that space immediately.  Just until things settle.  Dont forget too that emotional and psychological abuse can have equally as devastating an affect on us as physical abuse can.  In many respects, when it comes to long term effects, often much worse. Is your Fiance any assistance to you with regards your abusive son?

Oh yes indeed .. the joys of being a caring parent and a future wife of someone with a serious MH condition.  We take on a lot at times dont we ... all for the sake of love?

Please know that you are welcome to come here anytime you feel the need for a bit of emotional support, advice, or just a chance to have a chat to others who understand what you are likely going through.  Its lovely to make your aquaintance, and I hope we can have further discussions in future.

Sherry 💕

[Former-Member]

If you are interested, we are having a discussion about emotional resilience here.

[starflame]

Thank you for your support @Former-Member 

My son that I am concerned about with respect to his abusive alcohol drinking is not the same one as the son diagnosed with PTSD. My eldest son is the one with the (denied) alcohol issue.

Unfortunately I had to have a very caring and candid chat with him the other day. 

I suffer PTSD partially as a result of bad stuff happening and also because of being in an physcially and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex husband for years.

I have had to tell my son that everyone in our home has expressed concern to me about his drinking and that we all love him and that when he is sober he is the kindest, nicest most caring person. The fact is that alcolhol changes him.

At the moment he is in denial. I suspect that he also suffers PTSD just like my other son as he has seen me nearly die a few times from cardiac arrest plus witness some of my less then proud moments of behaviour.

At this time he is refusing to accept his behaviour and unfortunately causing alot of issues with broken promises, projecting to myself and other family memebers that we are all liars.

None of which I blame him for, however I am having zero tolerance to abusive behaviour whether it be physcial or mental.

I have advised him that if it continues he cannot live in our home anymore as the impact on the other three household members (myself, my Fiance and my youngest son) is too high and has gone on for too long.

I have told him I love him and am here to support him and if he takes responsibiliy and seeks help he has my absolute support and I will do whatever it takes to get him help.

None of his behaviours related to denial and projection are taken personally (by me anyway) I was once like that however I chose to take the path of learning to get rid of that side of me.

it breaks my heart however I feel that the situation will arise that unless he has a sudden change ofheart and accepts the feedback I have provided him (and his brother) then he will have to find somewhere else to live.

thanks for listening

[Former-Member]

Thanks for explaining all that @starflame.  I hear you.  And you have done exactly the right thing regarding your eldest son.  I really hope he can find a way to comply with your requests.

Sherry  🌹💜