Lived Experience Forum

[JosRapp]

It is a week until Christmas Day. 

I can't remember the last Christmas that actually felt like it was something to look forward to. Something to enjoy. Even as a kid, Christmas was always a lesson in disappointment, more a reminder that I wasn't wanted. It is not even about presents any more. Not about material objects. All I want is someone to spend time with. Have a lunch or dinner with. Even get a coffee with. See a movie with. But .... 

As far as I know, this is going to be another Christmas alone. I haven't heard anything from my family. Haven't talked to any of them for so long. Last week was my nephews birthday, but I didn't hear anything if there was going to be a party. My texts and phone calls went unanswered. So I sent him a birthday card, but, I don't know if he even got it. 

Yes. I know there are community and charity Christmas lunches. I have been to them before, both to have lunch, and as a volunteer. My experiences at them have not been good. Not the places I would go to, to feel any less lonely. 

I know people will say that I should get myself a Christmas present. Do something nice for myself. But, I can't really think of anything I want. Nothing material. Anything I want, needs someone else to be involved. Like Insaid before, to have lunch with someone, or dinner. Go to a movie, or get a coffee. The touch deprivation is very bad right now, so, a hug. A hand to hold. A kiss. Those things would mean so much more than any object would. 

Often, when I go to the shops at this time of year, I will see so much, so many things I would get as a present if a had a girlfriend, if I had a partner. But there isn't. I've never had someone special to buy a Christmas present for. 

But, being told "maybe next year", will be as close as I will get. And how many years have I heard that? This will be about the 30th year in a row that I will have to wait for "maybe next year". There is really only so many times you can hear that, before it becomes meaningless. Well, maybe not meaningless, but they are words that form a solitary confinement cell, words that just mean that nobody wants to. Words that hurt. Like the other gift I get at Christmas. Silence. 

It is one week until Christmas Day. And this is Christmas again. 

[Appleblossom]

Reaching out and sharing is the only way I know to break through loneliness. It is hard not to take isolation personally, but from what I see, in a go go go world, cities are very lonely places filled with people.

You are doing the right things.

@JosRapp 

Wish things were better for you.

[greenpea]

@JosRapp  Hi JosRapp I am so happy to see that you are still on the forums. I kept posting on the Good Morning thread hoping that you might get the good morning messages .... I hope you did. You are not alone we will be having souls just like yourself (me for example) around at Christmas posting on the forum. I know it is not the same as face to face I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Again good to see you. Love pea

[outlander]

hi @JosRapp  its hard having no one at christmas, while i have others around me i still feel quite alone. 

we have a christmas thread here called Christmas Loungeroom  where your most welcome to join in with us all even on christmas day. 

[BryanaCamp]

hi @JosRapp I feel the same as you. I haven't been invited to anyone's for xmas. I just can't wait for the 25th to be over and done with. I hate all the anxiety and anticipation that build thru December. I had  few work shifts organised for this time of year but now I'm sick & off work, had to let my shifts go. I'm so incredibly annoyed with myself for getting sick. So I've just got endless hours and days alone ahead of me.

[JosRapp]

@BryanaCamp , sorry you are sick. 

Yes, that looks like what Christmas will be for me too. Just another one alone. I know there are community and charity Christmas lunches and stuff, but, I have been to them before and they are never very good, at least not for me. 

I wish it felt like I was doing the right thing @Appleblossom. Have lost count of the number of times that I have been told to share more, open up more, show more emotion and speak up for what you want .... only to be then told to shut up when I do. when I open up, and share what I want, and how I feel, it seems to make people uncomfortable. Even angry. 

Have been out today. Seem to always see a lot of couples decide that, when they are in a que, or looking at the same things I am, that then is the time to be very affectionate with each other. The same with people laughing, and having fun together. I have never had that with anyone. Even as a child, I didn't have friends, so, had to play on my own. Alone. Never had someone to laugh with and be silly with. Never have had anyone to be affectionate with. I see it ... and that is what I want, with someone. 

Maybe I notice it more, because that is what I want with someone. I can't ask them, or expect them to stop or anything, but, it is triggering in a lot of ways. Definitely triggers the touch and emotional deprivation off, makes it feel a lot worse. 

How can you open up to someone, share more, and show more emotion, if there isn't anyone to open up to? And it feels like that is more than someone just saying that they are there, more than someone just reading what you write, or sitting in a room and listening to you like a therapist does. Sometimes, I think they have to understand that it is not always easy to be open, and that sometimes I might need a bit of coaxing, a bit of encouragement to be. But I also think it is important to have someone open up to you too. It can't just be a one way street. I think that is one reason why therapy has never been very good for me, because there has never been the feeling that someone was willing to be open with me too. 

Any way. This is just going to be yet another missed Christmas. And New Years too. Another lost one. You can't get them back again. I want to enjoy them, look forward to them, but ... alone ... again ... 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @JosRapp 

Quite a few people will tun to the frums to get through christmas.  I will be volunteering.  Tonight i met another lady who does christmas alone too.  She also made practical plans to make it good for her, rather than hanker after family that are not there for her.

Take Care

[BryanaCamp]

sending you a virtual hug @JosRapp if you want one.

I've been single for years now but when I had a boyfriend it was very lonely. It was complicated. He was unaffectionate & needed a lot of emotional support from me but didn't have much to give back. So a relationship for me wasn't the answer to loneliness, it was just another type of loneliness. When I opened up to him about my abusive childhood he dumped me & told me he didn't want to have to buy me a birthday or xmas present.

I used to idealise relationships before that one. I used to look at couples & imagine that I wanted the happiness they seemed to have. 

I think you might be suffering extra bad at this time of year because there's so much pressure for togetherness, it's hard to avoid. 

I appreciate you feel alone and maybe abandoned at the moment. But maybe in the new year when the xmas tension has gone you could take some small steps forward.

I've worked extremely hard over the past 2 years to establish & maintain friendships. It's been very hard work & I've felt burned and hurt many a time. I've organised a get together with some friends on Boxing day so I have something to look forward to. Some of them are very unreliable due to mental health, some of them are unreliable because they're fabulously busy & popular but a couple will probably turn up. I'll get really stressed about it before hand but I'm sure it will be worth all the effort. Maybe this time next year you'll be organsing a little get together of your own.

Yeah, I don't like therapy either but with a lot of work I've found some friends I can be candid with about my mental health.

[JosRapp]

@Appleblossom Well, if that person has found something that they can do that works for them, well, good for them. Not everyone has found that, or has that option. 

@BryanaCamp I am sorry your boyfriend treated you like that.

I don't expect a relationship to fix or solve the loneliness. But it's also not a long term goal, something at the end of the path. For me, a relationship would be solving part of the puzzle. Being alone ... no friends, no physical contact, no affection and no intimacy ... just makes the loneliness and isolation worse. I would like a chance to experience those things, rather than just be told about someone else's experience. 

"Maybe next year", is something I have heard for 30 years, and it seems no matter how hard I try during the year, or even try to focus on other things and wait for it to happen, at the end of the year I am just in the same situation as every year. And told again, that, maybe it will happen next year. I don't have friends to invite over, or go out with, so ... yeah ... and as I said, community and charity events just aren't good places from my experiences, not something that helps ease the loneliness at all. 

I just feel more isolated, and more lonely than ever. 

[BryanaCamp]

hi @JosRapp 

yeah, I know charity lunches are hardcore & heavy-duty, emotionally speaking. I worked as a vounteer at one for 15 months and the participants were deeply negative, floridly psychotic/schizophrenic and in no way grateful for my efforts to make them a lovely lunch out of the sometimes dismal donated food. I don't know how I could stand to attend a charity lunch for any Wednesday, let alone the emotionally, highly charged xmas day. I get that you'd prefer to avoid that. Maybe the safest option.

But I hope that you can find some comfort in the forum.

I will happily message you on this forum onm xmas day if you'd like that. I'm here for you mate.

I have major issues with my psycho-social skills - I'm schozophrenic (yes, the type that movies say are murderers without remorse), and I'm Borderline Personality Disorder (so that means I have basically no ability to form healthy attachments to other human beings). I also have crippling, extreme social anxiety which means I can't make friends or relate to people - I'm a total, nervous wreck in the company of people.

So what's your deal? If you've never had friends since childhood you must have had a crippling issue...such as social anxiety or Asperger's or something I'm not aware of. I know what it's like to be socially crippled but I can't sympathise or help you if you're not candid...