Lived Experience Forum

[Felicity73]

Ok, thanks @Lostandalone @Lilaca . Um, I guess I’m gonna talk about what I’m going through first. So, uh, just gonna put a trigger warning here cause it’s a trauma and I know that it could mess with people.

I have always dealt with constant bullying and physical abuse at primary school; fake friends who would hurt me (emotionally and physically); a father who controls my life, gives threats, uses ‘physical discipline’ and is one of the most terrifying things in existence; I was once quarantined during the massive swine flu outbreak that occurred when I was about 4 or 5. Most of this is over now (though my father is still manipulative and dangerous), but it still affects me.

During the big quarantine lockdown, my mental health spiralled, I fell into a massive suicidal phase, I relapsed hard with self-harming, my flashbacks got worse than ever, I felt like I was loosing control, and eventually got very, very close to attempting suicide multiple times.

Sorry that this is really heavy and all, I just wanted to get this out first, and talk it out from there...

[Lilaca]

Hi @Felicity73,

Glad to hear back from you and finally venting out! 

I can never understand how and why someone could do harmful things to another, but it's usually learned through the environment be it in the family or school. Is there any favourite teacher or school counsellor that you could talk to and discipline the situation? If you can, it'll be good to have a best friend or older sister in your school for support so school life will get easier, but I understand this may not be always be possible. Back when I was in primary school, we would have a buddy system pairing elder students with younger ones. 

In regards to your quarantine trauma, I came across this website for self diagnosis. They offer free online counselling service with health professionals too. 

You also mentioned that your dad is terrifying. I am just wondering if your mom or close sibling/relative or even a pet could be there to support when you were spiralling down. I am not sure what crossed your mind during this dark period, but sometimes a breath of fresh air and the sun may help to get things back in perspective if you're on your own. When we were in lockdown, you may use the excuse of exercise to get out of the house daily. But now that lockdown has been eased, I hope you are feeling better and returning to normal life. 

Do keep talking and know that you are valued here. 

[Felicity73]

It warms my heart to hear that other people really care about us that much. We’ve generally had a lot of trouble reaching out, and it was hard to try to put our feelings out here, but it is really helping, and I am very thankful for that.

Well, I don’t really have much that I can do about a lot of the trauma we’ve been through, but we are trying to reach out to find a psychiatrist to talk to and sort out our current issues, but this is about as good as it gets I guess.

Thank you all so much. @Lilaca

[Lilaca]

Hi @Felicity73,

Good to know you're ok and reaching out to a psychiatrist. I hope you will heal from your trauma soon. It's a lot easier when you are younger.

If you've trouble with words, try expressing yourself in other forms such as arts, singing/songwriting, dancing, exercise, performance art, etc. You might feel better after.

If you ever feel down and need someone to be there, don't hesitate to connect over here, we all care for you. 

Are you back in school now that the lockdown is over? How are you feeling now with your life back on normal schedule? 

[Lilaca]

@Felicity73 

[Felicity73]

Yeah, I’m back to school as usual, but it still gets a lot sometimes.