Lived Experience Forum

[Josie72]

Hey

So I'm really hating on myself. I have BPD, anxiety & depression, bla bla. I've done DBT. I've been using my strategies to keep going. I'm 'okay' sort of ... but ... I'm having moments of tears any time that I scratch the surface and I've got a really short fuse.

There are a few reasons.

I'm a single mum of 2 boys, now 15 & 17. I've been single since they were 1 & 3 so a few years, lol. I work casually and also on DSP. I earn about $30k/yr in my job which I've had for just under 2 years. Although with everything we live on about $45k. I don't have much in my super due to my history. I took a long time to be okay to the point where I can work. I'm 47 and renting and I am putting everything I can into trying to buy a place as I'm terrified how things will be when the kids are gone and I retire. I'm scared I'll be in a one bedroom run down place in drug central because that's all I'll be able to afford to rent.

My 17 yr old has left school so I am making him be responsible for himself. He has to pay for things that are his now, foods that are specifically his, like his weetbix that no one but he eats. I've set board at $110/week which is 1/3 rent, 1/3 internet and a rounded contribution to consumables about $14 with a reduction for the child support I still get for him. He'll have to pay 1/3 of electricity and water when it comes in. He currently has 2 jobs, both casual jobs around school that he's had for 2 years. He has a car and $10k in the bank is it's not like he doesn't have the means. He is looking for better work which I'm confident he will get because he has a good history. He has anxiety which I've taught him to work through but there has been concern raised by his boyfriend that he has an eating disorder. He eats, he eats when he is provided for by me. He wont take food at his boyfriends place. I've discouraged his boyfriend eating too much at my place. I can't afford to feed an extra person. Well, I could, but I'm not generous financially, especially outside of my boys and I and a few bills have come in. I've created a little bit of a monster in my son because he is a work-a-holic & addicted to saving but he wont spend to care for himself. The protective side of me wants to just provide for him but the teacher in me wants to teach him to provide for himself. He knew this was coming. I've raised the boys with the knowledge that they must work from 15, they must save for a car, they must get their license and when they leave school they must pay their way as if they are living in a share house because I simply can not provide for them without drowning myself.

I've learnt through my journey that life is balance. Things were very hard when they were young and my depression was at it's worst. I learnt to balance providing for my kids while managing my own wellness. I was sacrificying myself for them and things just got worse, ie I didn't do couscelling but gave them everything so that at least they appeared to be 'normal' to the world, just Kmart etc but still new. 

It's not like my son has nothing. He has plenty but I still hate myself because I can't just provide for him and make this transition easier. I tell myself that this is good for him. He has to learn to manage it all. I've taught him. I'm emotionally supporting him etc I'm still providing some food in the general household.

I'm also hating on myself because I've lived my life with ambition. I've fought so hard and long against my mental issues while studying and striving for more, for better. I've got a teaching degree, taught for 3 years but couldn't cope. I've got a degree is software design but the kids where still youngish so decided to start a business which also failed and I went to work. My first job was still in tech so I had hope and ambition that it would build and turn into something but again .. it failed because I couldn't cope with the environment (the boss was a nasty person). My current job is great, Management is amazing, understanding and supportive, my co-workers are for the most part great. One is a cow but changes are being made. The job itself is a holiday park reception, very busy but I've had to accept that this is it. I've let go of all my hope for better. For a job with more money. I've adjusted my thinking, adjusted my financial planning and settling for this life because for all my work, for all my struggles I just can't get better than this. This is good. There is good here. There is nothing 'wrong' with 'this' but. I always wanted more. I wanted to own my own home. I wanted to be able to earn over $50k independantly of the gov but I just can't. I can't handle a job that pays that because of this illness. 

I've struggled my whole life in the workplace. I had a handleful of jobs before kids but failed in all of them and spent much of my time on benefits. I studied because I thought it would give me more. I thought if I followed my passion then "I could do it" but it all failed. I had success in my studies but that didn't translate to work. I fall under what the world tells me is 'normal' work. The 'normal' pressures of working life. The 'normal' nasty person in every work place. I love my job. It's easy. I do it well. It has mini challenges that I thrive on. It's supportive and accepting. I've some 'moments' at work and they've given me the space to work through it without judgement. I work 4 days in the roster, occasionally 5 when others have leave. It's a 7 day roster, working 6 - 8 hrs a shift any time between 8am to 9pm. I couldn't cope doing 5 days a week in this position because with a variable roster my co-workers often do 7 day stretches which I don't cope with. I'm scared to get a different job because what if it's a bad workplace, what if I fail there just to get more money, to somehow fill my ambition which is still there, it just doesn't have any direction.

I want to leave this town, it's a coastal tourist town, it's expensive to live here. It's beautiful but it has limitations. I want to get back to QLD but have no idea how. I tried when the kids where heading to high school but couldn't swing it. Now I have to wait until the kids are fully independent so I settle. I accept. but I'm hating that I've lost hope.

We went on a holiday, our last family holiday in early Dec. It was mostly good but had some really horrible moments too. I broke on the second last day. I've tried so hard to try and get my boys to like each other but they hate each other. They are very different people so it makes sense but ... I'm not a happy person... I'm not a truly positive person. I try. I work really hard to be happy, to display happiness to be positive, to display positive but in truth. Underneath I'm sad, I'm cynical. I'm a little bitter and I hate that I can't 'just' be better. I have a treadmill and I walk most days. I'm overweight and eat badly. I try to be better but often fail... I eat when things go shit. I struggle to cook and plan meals. Even when I do plan meals I often don't do them until just before the meat is about to go off. I get really motivated and then just fall in a heap when things become too much.

I hate who I am. I hate having to fight this 'mental illness'. I want to be who I was before. I was fearless, I was active, the world didn't scare me. I was carefree and just took everything in my stride.

I want help. but I don't know where to go. I want to connect with people but struggle so much with them. I want to move but I'm scared and don't know how. I hate lifeline. They don't care unless you are on the brink. They follow the script and get you off the phone. I don't want to 'do' counselling again. I don't want to 'talk' about it all. I find that in life you can focus on the negative or the positive. I focus on the positive to get through. Sometimes I sink into the hole and it's harder but it's the positive that keeps me going. I can be fine for days. One little thing can happen and I just drop. I cover it to get through, to get to neutral. I DO to keep going. Work keeps me going, 'have to's' keep me going.

I think about posting a lot, I tend to push it to the side because if I think about it. If I start expressing it. It helps, But it also drops me because it perpetuates it. I'm hoping someone can give me a new idea. something different that might actually help change this. I am so tired of this life. I want a different life. I want to be happy, I want to be loved. I want to be someones priority rather than an after thought or provider

Thanks & sorry

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Josie72 

I loved your phrase I want to be a "sometimes priority".  Mind if I borrow it? 

I could relate to a lot in your post, pushing myself hard in work and study, despite it all, and being a single mother for nearly 20 years.  Life is b.... hard. There are different approaches to manage mental health issues, and it certainly not a one size fits all, that is why I think some of the success stories put out there in media and by boasters arepart of the problem.

A buddhist nun suggested I work on metta ... loving kindness meditation for myself ... and it has been a life saver.  For years I found it difficult to get into the mindspace and then quite a few more years passed before I could even start to get clear on my life and apply some of the gentler and caring vibe towards myself ...

It sounds like you have down a GOOD job on your boys, probably even more than good enough.  There is always someone richer, better, smarter, more gorgeous, poorer and sicker ... there is definitely No Perfect Person.

Be practical and be kind to yourself and some of those dreams could come your way, remember to be open to the good moments as they do pass quickly .. but make a difference.

Cheers

Apple

[Josie72]

Hey @Appleblossom 

I've always believed that your partner should be your priority. Couples that I've seen happy place their partner as their priority. They each work on making each other happy. When both do it then both find happiness and happiness in their relationship. 

My ex, the boys father alway made himself a priority and hence our marriage failed

As parents we make our kids our priority. When in a relationship its a balance between prioritising partner and kids. Families that work have both parents equally prioritising the kids. It takes work and balance.

Other relationships such as friendships seem to thrive when each party prioritise the other. They think about them. The both communicate. They consider the other person. It's balance. It's balance without sacrifice. It's give and take. It's a two lane highway.

So Go for it. Just find balance

What is Metta? I do relaxation. tried meditation and never really got it. I love mindfullness. It allows the active brain rather than trying to quieten it. For me mindfullness's allowance of the active brain allows it to be quiet rather than mediation which strives for the quiet brain which I couldn't achieve. 

I'll try anything new

[Appleblossom]

metta

Metta, Mindfulness, Meditation ... all pretty similar.  Maybe stick with what works than struggle with a new approach ... look them up ... it was all pre ... net, just a caring conversation with a caring person amidst years of severe manipulation which wrecked me physically as well as emotionally.  Managed somewhat mentally considering all the pressures, issues and trauma.

Know what you mean about a husband that does not even rate wife as any level of priority. I had meditated before my marriage, but it took a long time (10-12 years) for me to settle my mind after separation. I am much better now, than I was ...

[Appleblossom]

@Josie72 

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-12-30/are-you-one-of-the-average-australians-politicians-refer-to/1... 

Dont know if that makes you feel better or worse ... but to me it shows ... more of the ... you and your kids are good enough ...

[BryanaCamp]

hi @Josie72 

I have schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm in my mid 40's & after 7 years of unemployment and crippling, psychotic symptoms and physical, workplace injuries I'm finally employed in actual, paid, employment. Yay. I had to volunteer for 15 months, unpaid, working with an abusive sociopath colleague to gain a good reputation & good references in order to eventually graduate into paid employment. If you've got paid employment you're in a good, golden position. You don't need to work for free with abusive colleagues to get an, "I have no mental health issues" reference.

Most of my days and nights are lost to involuntary, re-lived horror of child abuse trauma thanks to mother-dear. Some call it psychotic symptoms that I should learn to manage, some call it schizophrenia. I call it the result of a mentally unwell mother who refused to get treatment, ever. I call it my great ability as an actress to pass as "normal" and "employable". I'm a good actress. I can mask my psychotic illness & my trauma-laden up-bringing. Medication helps, a bit.

I'm strong and I can mask it.

You're fooling yourself if you think money and material purchases are the key to setting a child up for a mental-illness- free life. You're not gonna like it, but I can tell you truthfully that having a mentally unwell mother, step-father, father and step-mother only did me harm during my developmental years. No-one "saw" me. No-one gave me appropriate emotional responses to my successes or to my distresses. I was given detention at school for being clinically depressed as a 13 year old because they didn't like my "attitude". My mother capitalised on my distress by kicking me while I was down because she's a sadist, taking pleasure in harming her children. She's a sociopath, a narcissistic personality of the worst kind. 

You're not a sadist or a narcissist. You care about your kids. That's great but you gotta consider your emotional modelling & their emotional and personality development. Yes, if you're unhappy, they'll learn unhappiness. If you're hopeless and bitter, they'll learn hopelessness and bitterness. If you're psychotic, they'll learn that psychotic is the way to be. With no male role models what choice do your sons have other than toxic masculinity? They may partner positively and that would bring a lovely partner into your life but your seem focused only on the negative possibilities.

Yeah, I'd prioritise paying off a mortgage on a good piece of real estate if it makes investment sense. But I was careful and bought in a savvy area of real estate. Every girl knows to protect her life-long investment in good real estate.

I reckon you haven't yet been honest with yourself. I think it would help to see a mental health professional and be honest about your guilts and ambitions - your responsibilities & the impacts they have on two new lives, your sons. And to be honest about what you want from your life, your emotional & psychological (not material) goals.

[nashy]

Hey there @Josie72  Thanks so very much for reaching out for support and sharing your story with us I think my biggest take away from your post was such a high degree of self awareness, and a real sense of passion for change. Certainly, sometimes we can get tired of engaging with counsellors, sometimes it's also a bout of having unhelpful practitioners. I know of some counsellors who specialise in coaching as well as possessing some financial counselling knowledge which could be a helpful mix, but I really appreciate the desire for you to forumlate a strategy yourself and I think our community is a wonderful place to soundboard that. I really hope your peers within the forums are proving a beneficial support 🙂 We're all backing you on your journey.

Just a reminder to all members when posting to be mindful of the way we construct our posts in response to people's stories. There's a really solid thread here that talks about focusing on "I" statements and respectful community engagement. If anyone needs any further support with this, or any other thread, please feel free to reach out to us via team@saneforums.org