I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It’s time for her night meds so I’m guessing it’s nearly time for bed. @Jynx 

Hopefully I can catch up. My body needs it after so long of so little sleep and so much on the go I was. But the mood just isn’t good. 

I have the morning and up until lunch time filled and then after lunch she is going home. So then all I have to do is food prep for work and maybe a nap. 

[Captain24]

I only just got home. We don’t go to the place I want to this morning as she didn’t wake up until late. So we had lunch in the park and walked around all the sculptures. 

It was too hot for the dogs to walk so I had them in the pram, they did get a little bit of a walk at the start as we were under the trees and it was t overly hot and the ground was ok for their feet. I deliberately let Pix walk as we had a lot of rain last night. We walked up the road a little bit and she just looked at me with her ‘can I mum’ eyes. I said yes you can go. She ran straight into the big puddle! She had the biggest smile on her face. She loved it. 

Back in the pram they went. Then when we were nearly at the car I got her back out again and she went straight back into the puddle. She loves it, she loves the water. Plus she was really hot so it cooled her down. 

They both had a great time being out and having lunch and just strolling around in the pram. 

My friend has gone now. It’s was so awesome to see her and she is coming back. I’m hoping that we can work it for a weekend that I don’t have to go stray back to work so I have some time to recover from being around someone so much. I did enjoy it all though and I’m so glad she came but I just need some alone time. I have to wait until Friday to have a rest. 

Why is it so hard to people when you absolutely adore the person? 

Im so tired and exhausted. It was a beautiful day in the sun. It was 31 and really nice and comfortable. We were both glowing being in it. 

I want my on-the-go energy and mood back. 

[Jynx]

OMG @Captain24 so wholesome!! I absolutely adore the image of Pix splashing about in the puddle! It's so so nice to hear that she's frolicking so freely after her recent scare. Really warms me! 

Sounds like a lovely send off for your friend too, and I'm glad that you are already thinking about the next visit! 

You can adore someone and still need time to yourself - that's not unusual. Especially if it's a person who you haven't spent heaps of time with. Takes many hours and many experiences to build up our sense of familiarity (and thus meaning our nervous systems getting to be more at ease), particularly when we also have trauma we're recovering from. That's quite literally why it was easier to make friends at school - we'd be spending 8 ish hours a day with the same people. 

You two glowing makes me glow!! Hehe 😊

[Captain24]

It is good. She just loved it! @Jynx. She was getting overheated in the pram with Jett even though there was an ice pack in the base. One of those flat ones you can roll up. So she really needed the last puddle. I love seeing her so happy in the water. It does things to my heart. Especially when she nearly wasn’t here! 

I would like more time next time but unsure of how I will go. She is use to be around people as she lives with her ex-husband, son and his wife. 

I feel horrible that I wanted some space. At least it’s normal but doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m actually beating myself up for thinking it. 

Maybe that’s why I don’t have friends as I don’t allow myself to spend long enough time with people. We talk all the time but hardly see each other. I think that was the 4th time we have actually been in person in 20 months. In the mental health group I was in, they push friendship amongst members. You were suppose to go and have coffee regularly to get to know each other and make friends. I’m actually really glad that it’s not on anymore. It’s not what I was expecting and it felt like toxic positivity. 

I glow in the sun especially with the warmer it is. 

Im feeling really exhausted right now. I’m literally dragging myself around. I have a couple of things I need to do but just can’t make myself do them. They have to be done before I go to bed. I’m also have pretty heavy thoughts. My psych sent me an email yesterday with a couple of links we talked about. Then she said some supportive stuff at the end. I don’t have the capacity to even respond with a thank you. I feel a mess right now. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww she's so good!! I love that your dogs get to ride around in the pram it just makes me so giddy!

I think for a lot of ND folks, our bodies are really sensitive to the energies of others - so being around someone who you haven't seen in nearly 2 years means almost like an 'overdose' of their energy. Even if it was really fulfilling in a social way, it makes sense that it resulted in some very big overwhelm for you - you're just physically not used to sharing energy like your friend is. Doesn't reflect on the quality of the friendship or on your personal values at all - in my opinion, the very fact that you feel bad about wanting space tells me more about your kind and caring nature than the fact that you wanted it in the first place. I can imagine your friend would be understanding of this too, if you decide you wanted to explain it to her. 

Can I ask, what's the absolute worst outcome if these things don't get done before bed? 

[Captain24]

They love it @Jynx Im glad I spent some quality time with them out and about and all of us enjoying it. 

I just feel horrible about it. But it’ll be a while before she comes back so I will be able to better prepare for my reaction and able to know what will happen and maybe work out ways to help me through it. 

I’ve crashed pretty badly. I feel sick and lots more but I don’t want to get into trouble or upset anyone again so you will just have to read into it if you want to. I think you may already get the just from other conversations. I would like support but don’t want to stuff up again. Once I can’t deal with, twice will send me over. I am safe though. 

Pix won’t have any food for mums tomorrow! So it has to be done. The kitchen has to be cleaned so it’s respectable for mum to come in tomorrow. 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening! @Captain24 🫶

How are your pain levels at the moment? 

And how was your time with your friend? 🤩

"My psych today suggested after doing a couple of tasks to then cuddle my dogs for 5 minutes, a bit of grounding, love and connection." - I really like this, that's a great strategy. Have you explored it at all?

I understand why this would all feel scary for you. Has it settled at all? Or are you still feeling quite active in the mind and body? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I know, so so wholesome!! Now you've got some lovely memories too, stuff to remember and reflect on, especially during rough moments 😊

One step at a time hey hun? Definitely know the feeling when you gotta do something for your pets. They're precious, and I will absolutely drag my feet the whole time! But they mean the world to us hey so even though it sucks, I totally get why that one can't be left. They are so lucky to have you 💜

[Captain24]

I did Pix’s food. It took me a lot longer than it should have. But it’s done @Jynx. I haven’t done the kitchen and I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed as to how it looks, I’m ashamed that I didn’t clean it, I’m ashamed that mum will see it. I’m just ashamed. 

I won’t bother you any more tonight. Relish being free of me. Someone you don’t have to think about. 

Im curled up into a little ball wishing I would let myself cry. 

Im safe

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I know I can't just make it magically better for you by saying this, but I promise you have nothing to be ashamed of. And I could never ever 'relish' being 'free of you' cos that would umm.... actually make me very sad. I hope some small part of you can really hear me when I say that you are valued, cared for, and that these feelings are not going to last forever. 

I will bid you goodnight, and I hope that things feel a little better once you've had some rest... and eventually when you get some time to yourself!! Gentle hugs 💜

(づᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡