Lived Experience Forum

[LookingForHope]

Hello everyone yesterday I was given the diagnosis of BPD. It filled me with fear, shock, denial, shame and relief at the same time.  Fear -  how do I deal with this? I cannot change my personality!! Shock at BPD- it carries a lot of stigma!! Denial- It can't be my personality!! Shame to be labelled with a problematic Personality. Relief- at last I have answers and they make sense and fit in with my life and personal conduct! I have lived away from my family for the past 20 years and suffered a lot with loneliness, isolation and roller coaster moods with intense repeated thoughts about not wanting to be alive. I was initially diagnosed with severe depression and then Premenstrual tension syndrome was added to that. No treatmenet and counselling really changed anything for me. Every month I would explode like a volcano into rage because I felt someone was rude or worse insensitive towards me. And it took days to forget about it and think rationally. Then shame would wash over me. And the cycle repeated itself. At it's very core my greatest fear of losing someone close to me. This ruined friendships and relationships, it even cost me my job twice! I lost through my own irrational fear for abandonment and rage my boyfriend recently and I find myself without friends. I don't want to meet new people through fear of hurting them too. For many years I am called behind my back as well as to my face The Nutter!!  I would like to fight for myself and become the better person that I know I can be. I had no idea where to start and therefore I write to this forum. If you have read thus far thank you for taking the time to read this post

[esprit]

Hi. There is always hope and new treatments for bdp. It's a long journey your just about to start. I truely believe we can all find peaceful moments in a day. Start there maybe. Trust in yourself to be able to get stronger and make changes.
Trust your strength and self worth. Just believe your worth fighting for. Never give up on yourself. I'm sending you my best wishes. Xx

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @LookingForHope

Please know that a diagnosis of BPD is not who you are. It's not your entire personality - we are all unique individuals. Please don't let a label define who you are. You are you and all the individual uniqueness that comes with it. Not one of us can be placed into a box. If a person is diagnosed with cancer - they are not cancer, they are still themselves. There is stigma with mental illness because there are misconceptions of what it is. Which is a disease like any other that can be treated. And does not have to be for life. This is one of the main reasons I do not like labelling. Stigma is ignorance as people are afraid or judgemental of what they deem as different because they do not understand.

Mental health professionals use these labels of grouping certain symptoms together in order to help aid them to apply the best treatments for their patients. That is the idea of such diagnostic labels - nothing more and nothing less. And It's is not always foolproof or continual. Symptoms can change like with any disease and the diagnosis can change. Symptoms with proper treatment can also go away. Don't think you will have to deal with your issues for life as that is not necessarily so. Take this weight off your mind.

Living with lonliness, lack of support and isolation would rattle most people's minds and test their sanity. You are no different. Lonliness and isolation causes depression and anxiety - it's a normal response to it. Tackling these situations and exploring strategies and activities that ease and lessen the lonliness and isolation is the first port of call. If you feel you have some human flaws that are contributing to this state of isolation/lonliness then working with a psychologist to help overcome your mood swings, over-sensitivity, thought processors etc and really work on it will offer you relief. If there are health problems such as hormonal imbalances (which can also cause mood swings etc) then treating this will also help.

If you find inner anger, rage (perhaps over being hurt, abused, neglected and badly treated in the past) is ruining your relationships it's vital to talk about your repressed pain/feelings with someone and work through them. Also to work on coping strategies to control he anger when it takes hold. When with friends/loved ones "never react when angry". Walk away and then come back and deal with the situation when calm. This will save and nurture your relationships. If really distressed/angry call a therapist, a support person from a group or come on here and vent talking things through. 

Its a good sign you have that fighting spirit - hold onto this as it is guiding you in the right direction. It will take time - we are all a work in progress as life is a journey and we are always evolving if we learn by our mistakes. And if we do our best and make wise choices we will find where we want to go that's a better place faster leaving the past behind us. Also leaving behind those who do not respect or value us is necessary for healing and growth.

You have as much to offer to others, the world and yourself as anybody else does and you know this deep down. Hold onto that and never let that reality go when others ignorantly put you down. You need to heal from the past and hold onto a more positive vision of the future with meaning and purpose. When you find the latter you will find you. Hold onto hope and never give up. Hugs

[Former-Member]

Hi there @LookingForHope,

I'm one of the moderators on the Forums, I just wanted to pop by and say a very warm welcome and thanks so much for sharing your story with us 🙂 

It sounds like you've really been struggling with these cycles over the last few years... I think often when we are hurting it can be an automatic reaction to withdraw from others for fear of getting hurt or hurting them. I hope the diagnosis turns out to be more of a help than a hinderance in the coming months, and helps you get back to the amazing person you are!

I am so impressed by your attitude and wanting to look forward and grow through this process.. I think (as some of the other members said) that will stand you in such good stead through this journey. 

I hope you get the support and guidance you are looking for on the Forums 🙂 All the best!

[utopia]

@LookingForHope. I agree totally with what @Former-Member has written. She is a wise one. I love the strength you show by saying that you want to fight this and become the better person you know you can be.
That sentence alone shows me that you will be successful.
Wishing you all the best. You are not alone

[LookingForHope]

I read your messages of welcoming and encouragement. It was nice to read from other people that living away from home without support is a big challenge for everyone not just me. I feel welcome and for the first time not judged and this makes me feel free to express my feelings and what I go through without holding back for fear of rejection. Whilst At University I was rejected by fellow students when a friend of mine told them that I suffer from mood swings. I was isolated and a pariah. Now I am an adult with the same problem but more awareness. With support I know that I will learn to better control my emotions and have a more possitive spin on things instead of jumping into the worst case scenario.  Thank you again for making me understand that : I am not BPD  -   I am ME and I am worth fighting for!!!

[LookingForHope]

Hello i am still working out on how to use this website. I got up feeling slow but positive and strong. As the day passed I felt down and came home asking myself why should I fight for myself? I am not worthy as I am a 37 year old mess. I read all the messages again especially yours OvertheEdge and got myself back on track. I wil be looking after myself and try to seek company when what I really would prefer is to hide.

[BlueBay]

Hi @LookingForHope

Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forum.  I, too have been diagnosed with BPD as well as other mental disorders.

You are not alone, you are worthy of fighting, just like me I am fighting this too.  

Take care 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @LookingForHope

Welcome !!!

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and I think by what you have shared and how you express yourself you have a bright future. Just remember you are not your diagnosis. I think a lot of what you have written many people could relate to and for myself I could relate to your story, and I would like to know more of you.

I think its important for you to understand yourself better. For myself personally I struggle with labels etc. I don't believe people have a problemic personality but have been hurt in life and its their way of coping and managing their lives. I think at the end of day we all just want to happy and to have connections with others.

I think what as help me the last 18 months or so is reconecting to the activities I once enjoyed and doing more of that and setting myself goals. I wish for you to find some good people in your life who will love, support and encourage and also believe in you.

What did you studying at university? What are some activities you like to do?

I hope you have a nice evening.

[LookingForHope]

Hi There!! Since Friday I have been reading a lot on the definition and management of BPD, trying to understand how I fit into this. I looked up personal accounts and it helped to know about other people too, a bit on their background and what they have been through. The most important thing that I learnt is the honesty with which people write about themselves. I had originally decided to hide my profession in orderto avoid the double stigma but decided against it as I have had enough of hiding and lying. I studied Biochemistry and got into Medicine. I am a Doctor (in Healthcare not PhD). People would think that as a Doctor I should have known right away what was wrong with me. Truth is that I felt different since I was a child and I knew that. I was oversensitive. When it comes to caring for my patients I have a clear mind and I focus on listening what they have to say, how they say it and how their story affects them. This makes it better for me to understand and help. When it comes to my own self, it's different and denial is a strong factor!!! Always blamed others for how I reacted. I am glad I have reached acceptance. Now I have to learn how to cope, it's hard. I don't know whether it's harder for some people but I am scared of the stigma of Doctors with Mental Helath Issues. If it was asthma it would have been much easier for colleagues and the Medical Board to accept, I guess?