Hiya @GuiltyinLife - so sorry to read about what's happening for you and your daughter. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.
First and foremost, I think the very fact that you're putting this much effort in, that you're taking the time to join an online forum and written up this post, shows how much of a good parent you are. Being a good parent isn't about 'getting it right' all the time, it's about consistently putting in the effort, striving to learn as we go, and dusting ourselves off after we mess up. Cos there's always gonna be muck ups!! That's just what it means to be human.
Besides, getting it 'right' is largely gonna depend on the nature of both child and parent - and having a neurodiverse child complicates this further, cos what is often considered the 'right' way to parent neurotypical kids can actually end up being more harmful than helpful for ND kids!!
Maybe you could sit down with your daughter (during a time when you're both relatively calm, and haven't been fighting recently), and ask her directly - "What does support look like for you?" or maybe, "When things are reaching a stage of really heightened emotions, what could we both do differently?" Basically just opening up a dialogue about the way that you two experience conflict, and how you might be able to approach it differently going forward.
Calling time outs is pretty useful too - maybe next time you notice your voice start to raise, your heart beating faster, or feel like you wanna yell, just stop the conversation, and take a breather for 5-10 minutes. I find it soooo helpful (I have ADHD too, and my emotions are always VERY BIG haha), especially because I cry so easily, and when I'm crying I find it impossible to have any kind of reasonable or productive conversation - because I can't talk properly and the other person is usually distressed at my distress.
Don't forget as well - it's pretty normal for teenagers to become very resistant to the idea of being like their parents. It's not a reflection of you or your worth as a mum, it merely shows that your D is just working out her identity.
I think you're on the right track hun. But there's no shame in getting some extra support!! Some relationship counselling via Relationships Australia might be helpful in terms of giving you both some new communication and conflict resolution skills. ADDitude has heaps of tips for parenting ND kids. You could also chat to Griefline, as I can imagine losing your mum would definitely have an impact on the relationship. You both deserve some extra support! Our support line (1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm) is also an option, and for your daughter, she could always give Kids Helpline a buzz, or head over to ReachOut for their Youth Forums. They've also got a space to provide support for parents too.
These situations are always complex, nuanced, and tricky; i.e. this isn't the result of you failing as a parent. There's always so many other factors at play. Like I said before, the fact that you care this much, that you're willing to try, you are putting effort into making changes - those all tell me that you're a good mum, no matter what your brain might be telling you 💜
