Topic Tuesday // Supporting Your Partner Experiencing BPD // Tues 23 Oct, 7pm AEDT

[Former-Member]

"I see boundaries as loving guidelines to support not rules to be enforced" - that's a really insightful comment @Determined!

Boundaries like you have all mentioned are hard to set when things are tough but can be important to work through. Another thing that is tough to work on but equally important is......self-care! It is one of those necessary things everyone needs to put in place, but is also the thing that falls to the bottom of the to do list by the time it’s the end of the day! Do you engage in any self-care strategies and how do you make time for this? (we have about 7 minutes left everyone, so get in and share your self care tips!)

[EK1]

@ Jkay - I have been in your shoes and it is so hard - my son had to leave school at the end of year 10 as he couldn't cope and lost all his so called friends who didn't want to know - he is very socially awkward and very rarely goes out and never on his own - all i can say is hang on in there - its a tough journey we have been given and its so hard to see your kids struggling in this way and yes it can be very isolating at times and so frustrating but be kind to yourself ( i find that very hard to do sometimes) - you are doing the best you can and your kids are so lucky to have you and your support - good luck

[Determined]

We actually had an open discussion about  boundaries while my darling was in hospital (mental health ward) and before her discharge. I chose to do this so that I was able to walk away if necessary knowing she was safe. Cant remember exactly but I may have emailed my thoughts to her in advance to discuss with her nurse and discussed it on the phone. The phone discussion resulted in me hanging up and turning the phone off in line with nkt being spoken to disrespectfuly boundary. After initally being angry and deciding my councilor was an ahole she actually switched to sweet compliance.  This turned out to be a disarmament tactict and did not last long. She has learned how to play on my soft side to get her way .

[Stacey_N]

@Never_Lose_Hope  Even 5 years on from diagnosis I will still google articles about BPD regularly. It also helps to bring me some peace after a difficult experience /encounter to reinforce the complexity of the illness and reduce some of my anxiety.

[EK1]

Self care is what I struggle with the most but we acquired a beautiful 6 year old golden retriever 2 years ago for our son and walking him every day is a god send for me and I love it when he comes with me to walk Caesar - walking is my time to try to switch off for a short time

[Stacey_N]

@Former-MemberAs we know living (as we also do) with BPD is full of complex challenges. It is not that easy to say “I’m off to the movies now” or “I’ll see you in a few hours”. When we can, fantastic, but it is not something we can schedule into our lives. Our lives are different and when we take on this life, we take on the challenges with it. I like to read a lot of articles on line about how I am feeling or what I am experiencing. A google search from the comfort of my own home can lead me to forums where I can receive answers and support from others experiencing in a similar situation. I continually educate myself around BPD to remind myself of the challenges and it helps remind me that my husband behaviours are not about me, but about his immediate reacts of self preservation (of course this always can’t be an excuse), but when I notice extreme reactions or responses).

I would love to say I eat well and exercise, but this is not always the case, sometimes it’s about my own survival, and if that means a jam donut and a can of coke then so be it.

A shower works well for me, when I am feeling particularly anxious or fragile, and I often cry it out. This is a release of every emotion and is very helpful for me to reset.

I have also learned to take my own mental health days. Occasionally I will take a day off work if I am feeling emotional or fragile and if I need to stay in bed, have an afternoon nap or watch nonstop TV, they are things I can do from home, without any effort.

[Former-Member]

That time has come to wrap up this evening! That happened quickly!! I would like to say a huge thank you to our wonderful guest @Stacey_N. Taking the time to come and share your insights is so appreciated and I feel like we have all come away with some helpful ideas and a shared sense of validation in the role of a carer for a loved one with BPD.

Thank you so much to everyone for getting involved tonight and taking the courage to also share and engage around this subject - I hope you found it helpful! Feel free to keep sharing self care tips and I will close this thread tomorrow.

You can type BPD into the search bar at the top of the forums to find other discussions happening that you can join in on!

We have some useful resources from SANE Australia below and a I've also shared some helpful sites for more info on BPD. 

Borderline Personality Disorder - factsheet

Caring for a spouse with BPD

Common questions about BPD

Websites:

Australian BPD Foundation

Carers Australia

[Determined]

Self care is something I consistantly fail at but I am working on.

We have recently been fortunate enough to move to a location closer to town that enables me to walk to uni and work so that is a big start. 

I have recently conected with a retired guy with similar intrests and values (dad of a work collegue) so catching up with him regually for some social time.

More recently i have booked in for a motorcycle licence course and looking to buy a bike. Something I have wanted to do since I was 17 (long long time ago lol) 

Getting nagged (aka supported / encouraged) to engage in more self care by the university councillor I see. 

I am also geting better at following through with plans foe me rather than cancel when things predictably turn sour. 

[Stacey_N]

Thank you all for joining me this evening and sharing your experiences. It is a difficult experience to share especially with the complexity and stigma around BPD. You are all brave, courageous and caring souls. Our loved ones are lucky to have us, and I'm sure at some level they know and appreciate this. Goodnight .

[Determined]

Thankyou so much @Stacey_N  @Former-Member  + everyone who shared.

Lovely meeting you all .