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Lupa
Casual Contributor

Partner with depression wanting space

Hi,

My fiancee/partner of 6 years has in recent weeks told me that he is suddenly confused about his whole life and therefore also unsure about the relationship, but hasn't wanted to end the relationship, he just feels he needs to be alone for a while. He has gone to spend some time alone at a family member's vacant house nearby and I tried spending a few days with him which was really hard and felt like walking on eggshells. Eventually I left because it was too hard for both of us, and he didn't seem to be able to accept any help or comfort. I believe he has depression and so does his family - he also has a family history of it - depression, anxiety and suicide attempts. We were due to get married at the beginning of April but it was postponed due to COVID-19. His "realisation" and announcement of needing some time away happened about a week after our would-be wedding date. He has been through some massive changes in the last couple of years as well - became a lawyer then felt unhappy doing that, so gave it up to pursue his original dream job of pro sailing, then that got cancelled due to covid. He has started therapy for the first time at my urging, which he now says he is thankful to me for as he realises now that he needs help. I am struggling with being in this holding pattern and being kept at arms length, not knowing if or when I will eventually become something that he has to cut out of his life, or whether he will eventually realise we have a strong and beautiful relationship (never had any troubles before, we both agree we have been very happy together for years) and come back to me. I don't want to walk away from him, ideally I want to be a support but he can't accept my help right now. He finds it hard to be around anyone for more than a few minutes. He said he finds it hard to get through a day just eating and sleeping. He maintains that he is not and never has been suicidal. I wonder if anyone has advice around this strange and unsettling waiting period. It's in my nature to want to help and nurture and heal, but I know it's not my job and I am trying to process the hurt of feeling "unwanted" right now. It's been about a month now. I have instigated a period of not talking for 3 weeks (till the end of May) to give us both time to process and look after ourselves. I don't know what will happen then - he will have had 5 therapy sessions by then but I fear it will just be the tip of the iceberg and I still won't have answers on where our relationship sits in all this. How do I manage the uncertainty? What is unreasonable and reasonable to ask for during this time? Thank you.

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Partner with depression wanting space

I totally get where you are and also where he is... at times when our stress bottle is that full then it is difficult to work out anything... I know it is extremely difficult ( facing a separation issue myself) but allow the space. It is healthy to allow space and time.... it will get better.

Re: Partner with depression wanting space

Thank you for your comforting words.

Re: Partner with depression wanting space

@Lupa  I just want to let you know I hear you.

 

I don’t have any advise, but listening and caring. 💞💞

 

@wantstofix  👋👋👋💚💚💚

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