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JC1
Casual Contributor

Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

Hi everyone, this is my first post. Sorry if it may seem long and rambly.

 

I feel like there's not many people in my life I can reach out to in regards to my MH and that's why I'm here. For starters, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago. I am a WOC so I've grown up with cultural conflict, an addict father and alongside that, was brought up in a broken household that do not believe in mental illness. I've also been financially supporting my family since the age of 16 (am 25 now) which I know has largely contributed to me being the way I am.

 

Overall, the past 12 months of my life has been the worst and my depression has significantly intensified since COVID-19. Through those 12 months, people I considered my closest friends broke my trust; I went through an abortion that felt so isolating and on top of that, lost my job as a result of the combination of the two and the mental/physical effects I was feeling at the time. I feel like the people around me just treat my MH concerns as something I'll 'just get over' and with my mum that I live with...she just thinks it's BS altogether and that I have no reason to feel the way that I feel. I'm still in uni (2nd year out of 4.5)  which I know full well has been impacted because of my depression and anxiety (been in uni total 6 years). I've been on/off medication and have seen various counsellors yet I feel like nothing has changed. 

 

Another semester has passed and I know I will be failing yet again. I managed to secure a job this year but learning during this time in the world was definitely a struggle. Professors basically intensified the workload because they assume 'we have all this time' and I've been unable to reach any mental support at the uni due to the volume there. Usually, the library and the campus was my haven and the place where I could focus my energy on my education - I was making great strides before COVID too with Distinctions! Basically, I'm just tired of this failing pattern repeating, no matter how much I want to finish uni and I am worried how the school will perceive my enrolment next semester. I know this is my ticket out but I'm just lost as to what I can do and I'm scared to approach them. I just want to graduate and move on already!! I feel like I'm being left behind when I see those around me level up in life and I'm tired of family/friends asking 'when will you graduate?' 

 

How do you cope with adversity? I feel like I am not as strong mentally as I was a few years ago. How do you move forward? I would like to know if you've dealt with mental struggles especially while in higher education.

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@JC1  Hey JC1 and welcome to the forums. When I did my first degree I was in the midst of a mental illness crisis with ongoing mania. I completed it though and promptly fell apart at the seams. I tried again a couple of years ago but couldnt read any text properly let alone put pen to paper. Now 8 years since my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder I feel ready to embark on another degree. It has been a long road to get here but I am excited upon starting again in second trimester.

 

I cope with my mental health struggles by taking things in bite sized pieces. By taking baby steps and not over doing it. For example I am only doing one unit this coming semester to see how I go. I know what you mean about not being as strong mentally as I once was .... life is a b isnt it. I have just adjusted my expectations on what I can possibly achieve. If I get passes I will be happy a credit I will be thrilled.

 

If you want to talk more just tag me by using a @ in front of my or others names and that will send a notification to the person that you have sent a post to them. Take care of yourself. greenpea

 

 

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@greenpea thank you for seeing my post.

 

Through your first degree, do you mind telling me how you were able to get through it at the time? I have to say that it is inspiring hearing that you managed to finish and pursue further education despite of the setbacks. I would like to hear of how schooling was for you if you're comfortable doing so. I will admit that I struggled with seeking support through the uni because I was afraid and now, due to waiting queues etc..

 

I have to say I do struggle with minimising my tasks into baby steps - I think it is hard to gauge for me how much is too much for any given task. Similarly, today was the first time I brushed my hair in 3 months and I did not realise how much energy it consumed me that I cried as I finished doing so. You mentioned that you adjusted your expectations and I was wondering if this was something you came across yourself or through the help of others. Not meeting my own expectations is something I do internalise and lament on quite a bit lately.

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@JC1  Hey JC1 can I ask what mental illness you have? I have schizoaffective disorder and was not medicated during the time of my first degree so I was bouncing off walls I was so manic I would stay up for hours to finish my assignments.Was really ill but managed some how to get through. Tbh I didnt know I was sick during this time but I was hallucinating and had vivid delusions. When I crashed finally I couldnt even flush the toilet .... I just slept for around 18 months of my life. Good on you for brushing your hair 🙂 that is a huge achievement I know because I have been there.

 

All the mending of the mind takes time and you really have to wait it out it cannot be hurried. If I can get credits in my forthcoming degree I will be doing somasaults. greenpeaxxHeart

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

hello @JC1 and welcome
it sounds really tough for you both presently and in the past as well! im sorry you've been going through so much.

Can I ask if you might be willing to speak to your gp about getting a mental health care plan? this will allow you to see a psychologist with medicare rebates so works out cheaper.

im a little younger then you but I had quite a tougher upbringing as well so can relate to some of the things you might be feeling too.

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@outlander I've made an appointment to see a gp on Thursday to talk about this. I've been on a mental health care plan before which at the time, I felt like I didn't find the 'right therapist' to continue my plan. I also tend to lose trust in the medical system as it seems like the GPs/counsellors I have built a relationship with have tended to move on elsewhere so it can be difficult rehashing my troubles. That's how I've also been on/off medication for some time as well. How did you find your treatment? I hope you're doing alright in these times Smiley Happy

 

@greenpea I've been diagnosed with GAD/panic disorder and clinical depression. It's probably something that's a bit common on these threads. I must say that must've been really energy consuming for you during your episodes but still find your resilience to be commendable Smiley Happy I'm sure you'll do amazing in your subject! Do you feel like your institution has supported you throughout your student life? Like I mentioned to @outlander, I'll be seeing a new GP to evaluate a Mental Health Care Plan and see if this still holds true medically or if I have deteriorated further (I'm feeling the latter). I'm counting brushing my hair as my win for the last few months and really thank you for your support Heart

 

 

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@Maggie @Appleblossom just want to acknowledge your support on my initial post. Thankyou

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@JC1  you know what because I didnt realise I was ill I didnt ask for support .... BUT my daughter who has chronic depression went to the same institution and they were fantastic with her. It didnt workout for her but they tried. Keep in touch and let us know how it all goes for you. Oh btw have a look around the forums you might like to join up on some conversations. We are a welcoming group of people with a variety of mi conditions. Personally I couldnt be without my Sane friends. They are my extended family. Take care. Love peax

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

Hey @JC1 

Sometimes I am not sure what to say and so support and hope others post. I am prob the wrong demographic.  Welcome as a WOC. I am old fashioned enough to have to look that up in my urband dict. ..lol.  I also struggled with cultural conflict, and providing various kinds and levels of support for younger siblings, but did not have to deal with an addict father.  I just know that these things sometimes happen because of an accumulation of a lot of unmet needs in his life, probably, not justifying, just saying.  It is sad and it is hard.

 

@greenpeamade me laugh cos I thought it was totally normal to stay up all night for assignments. I often did.  Anything to get it done, and I was usually a by the skin of my teeth for the deadline student, but often honours.  Bottom line ... it makes a difference to finish.  SO set that as your task.  Dont worry about others levelling up ... some of them may level down before long or you may enver know.  It all about PB ... little aths talk ... Personal Best ... dont buy into the comparisons game. Its a neverending story ... that Joneses stuff ... lick your wounds and come up champion on YOU.  Life is not a Level up thing, but then I am not a gamer, and see excess gaming as a prob.

 

I hear you about taking care of your hair. I developed a keep it short (cut by me.. lol) and shake it out approach.  Fingers thru it, rather than letting knots accrue. SOunds like you value your study and have aptitude, dont get impatient with your progress.  Tick off the boxes as you can.  Take Care

Smiley Happy

Re: Feeling lost, tired and alone - a lil rant

@Appleblossom  Hey Appleblossom I was exactly the oppositie and had my work done weeks in advance because I was so paranoid about getting it done lol.xx

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